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  #11  
Old 06-19-2017, 02:26 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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The rerun line didn't bother me, but some suggestions that might stimulate a better idea are:

a rerun of a lost, never-aired episode
a rerun of an old never-aired episode
a rerun of someone's never-aired episode

etc.

Thanks again,
Martin
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  #12  
Old 06-19-2017, 04:11 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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These are off to different degrees as well, Martin:

a RErun of a LOST, NEver-AIRED EPisode
a RErun of an OLD NEver-AIRED EPisode
a RErun of SOMEone's NEver-AIRED EPisode

That's how I wold mark them. I don't really know where to break the feet.

Also, "old" and "lost" and "someone" put things in the vacuum I am trying to maintain.

What I'm suggesting, or asking for, is:

a / RErun of / SOME never /AIRED epi / SODE

Which may be asking too much.

I might leave it.
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  #13  
Old 06-19-2017, 05:15 PM
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Richard Meyer Richard Meyer is offline
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The above remarks indicate why I mentioned, back in Post #5, that I hear a bit of a stumble in that line: a rerun of some never-aired episode.

For me, the line scans:

a / RErun of / SOME never /AIRED EP / i / SODE

Further more, the word never is even asking to be sounded NEV er

There are just too many heavy accents and hard beats in the line to make it read as smoothly as the others.

Richard
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  #14  
Old 06-19-2017, 06:43 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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I'm okay with the line as it stands, but maybe "unaired" would work in place of "never-aired"? Though it would dilute the paradox involved with calling it a "rerun" while saying it never aired, which I thought was the "point" of the line.
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  #15  
Old 06-20-2017, 09:45 AM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Thanks folks.

I am going to keep the line in question posing whatever question. I think the momentum of the lines before it swings the reader through that line. Read on its own it scans worse, but the reader is supposed to read the lines that come before it. It also states the intended statement best. Other lines have some waver as well.

One change, "comedown" is changed to "down-come" in S2 L1. The shift in order is apposite, and the meter is stronger.

Rick
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  #16  
Old 06-20-2017, 12:10 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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I vote for comedown over down-come, which actually diminishes the wonderful strangeness of the poem; it's like a splash of Yves Tanguy in a Rene Magritte painting.
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  #17  
Old 06-20-2017, 01:44 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Hi Martin,

Well, I can't think of two artists I dislike more ~,:^) I'm hoping nothing I write evokes either of them, but I understand those hopes may be dashed at any time.

But I will revert, as down-come is a step too far. I really don't think "comedown" is at all surrealist. It's a real word, afterall.

Rick
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  #18  
Old 06-20-2017, 01:49 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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What I meant is that Magritte achieves strangeness by arranging real objects in unexpected ways, whereas Tanguy uses his own invented objects. What about late Dali? Don't you dislike him more?

No, the poem is not like a painting by either of them--more like a wonderful Turner watercolor e.g. this--I was just using a metaphor. No offense meant!
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  #19  
Old 06-20-2017, 02:55 PM
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None taken. But I am obliged to speak out against Magritte at least. Dali was good for a few laughs.

Thanks,
RM
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  #20  
Old 06-21-2017, 01:04 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Rick,

I just read it again without a problem. You've convinced me.

Because the rhythm is so strong, and so obviously established by the time we get to L10 I happily read it as

a / RErun of / SOME never /AIRED epi / SODE

My rhythmic brain had taken over my sense-making/prose reading brain, if that makes sense.
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