Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Unread 09-22-2019, 05:35 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 8,108
Default

Julie, I was able to come up with an alternate rhyme of "site/sheet" for S1, but I can't think of any substitute for "scrawled/world" in S2. I'd be glad to hear whether people think the changes to S1 are improvements.

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Unread 09-22-2019, 07:44 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,868
Default

Hi Susan,

Site seems generated by a thesaurus to me and sounds identical to sight, which I’d avoid. I have no problem with stage or scrawled myself. I think they’re just fine for a blind man, not least in a poem which opens on looking. my 2c.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Unread 09-22-2019, 09:10 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 3,428
Default

As John said, 'site' doesn't seem like a natural wording here. Plus I wonder at the preposition: should it be 'in' his site -- 'at' or 'on' maybe?

'darkened stage' suggests to me that the stage lights aren't on, which seems appropriate to his blindness. Beyond that, I don't think theatre associations overwhelm, not for me anyway.

'scrawled' helps to suggest illegibility I think. I guess you might feel it if things were literally scrawled on you, but I think you'd probably also feel if they were literally painted on you too.

-Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 09-22-2019 at 09:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Unread 09-22-2019, 09:45 AM
Julie Steiner's Avatar
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 6,061
Default

Actually, "scrawled" doesn't bother me at all this morning. Apparently I'm over it.

I agree that "site" is more flawed than "stage" (which is a pity, because I quite like "sheet").
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Unread 09-22-2019, 09:58 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 3,428
Default

Actually, what scrawled loses, I think, is the sense of colour that paint gives. Colour would be lost to him. A scrawl could, I guess, be traced on his hand and he'd have some perception of it. Would 'coloured' be a close enough rhyme?

...........................As if on a blank sheet,

the reflection of the things around is coloured
on him; he can’t receive it. Just his sense
of feeling stirs, as if it caught the world
in little ripples of experience—
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Unread 09-22-2019, 10:55 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,868
Default

Color is a powerful word to use when we’re talking about blindness.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Unread 09-22-2019, 02:21 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 8,108
Default

John, Matt, and Julie, I think I will return to the "stage/page" rhyme. I don't like "colored" much as a rhyme, and to me it suggests a child's coloring book. When I think of a page, I think of something one writes on, so even though painting is implied, I may stick with "scrawled."

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Unread 09-22-2019, 08:07 PM
Julie Steiner's Avatar
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 6,061
Default

I was thinking of the perfect reflections of the outside world appearing upside down on a sheet of paper on the back wall of a camera obscura. Which is how the human eye works, too.

I really, really wish there were evidence in the poem to support that reading. Alas, there isn't.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,011
Total Threads: 19,857
Total Posts: 254,041
There are 86 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online