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Old 05-16-2018, 04:35 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Middle England
Posts: 5,542

Matt said:
Rain ended Maud ...
That's a terrible way for Maud to go, poor woman. I'd say you need a comma after "ended".
Ah, wonder I didn't understand "Rain ended Maud" as I mentioned in post #5.
Your 1st sentence made me laugh, Matt, but your 2nd one gave me a light-bulb-moment.

See... I said this poem needs more punctuation; I rest my case!

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Old 05-18-2018, 12:42 AM
Michael Cantor Michael Cantor is offline
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Plum Island, MA
Posts: 10,622

Bragapalooza it is. Thanks, all, for taking the time to crit this one, but I always kinda suspected it wasn't working - it was one I wrote for myself - and thanks for letting me know.

Because I wrote this one by just opening myself up to memories, I wasn't nearly careful enough about making sure it was accessible to anybody but myself. Sapporo (S4) is the northernmost island of Japan, not Italy; and the dialogue in the last stanza is all the taxi driver speaking. I'm still intrigued by the concept, but it requires much more work. And better punctuation.

Let's let this one slide deservedly down the board.
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Old 05-18-2018, 04:42 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: *
Posts: 1,392

I think it's about love and passion, for someone and/or something, and a brilliant title, especially with that in mind. If I'm right about my feeling about this, it does need perhaps a gentle hammer wack in the right direction (or in the right misdirection). Keep the going down part, and for some reason, going down, together with rice paper, kinda does it for me. The close is a good deal of the poem, imo. It reminds me a little of one of the most underrated films (don't kill me), Joe vs The Volcano. Anyway, I understand why you've hung on to this. (I know you want this to sink, but wanted to get a word in.)


Last edited by James Brancheau; 05-18-2018 at 04:51 PM.
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