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  #21  
Unread 10-05-2014, 05:34 PM
Rob Stuart Rob Stuart is offline
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Location: London
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My wife made me that. It’s my birthday today.
Oh I know, she’s a wonderful girl.
She’d blow all them judges on Bake Off away
Would my beautiful, talented Shirl.

I can’t wait to taste it. I love how she’s done
Me initials in cherries. This cake
Is just what I wanted. I can’t give you none
I’m afraid. That would be a mistake.

She’d kill me. I never know how, but I swear
When I’m lying my missus can tell.
She don’t ever make me no presents to share,
So I’d best take it back to me cell.

And later, by light of my lighter, a slice
Off the end will reveal there’s a pile
Of currants inside, and a touch of mixed spice...
And the end of a bloody great file.

Last edited by Rob Stuart; 10-06-2014 at 04:53 AM.
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  #22  
Unread 10-06-2014, 04:35 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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Location: Old South Wales (UK)
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Psssst - "a" mistake???

That'll cost yer, Sunshine. Snout?
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  #23  
Unread 10-06-2014, 04:53 AM
Rob Stuart Rob Stuart is offline
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Cheers darlin'.
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  #24  
Unread 10-07-2014, 03:47 PM
Peter Goulding Peter Goulding is offline
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Location: Dublin
Posts: 211
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob Stuart View Post
My wife made me that. It’s my birthday today.
Oh I know, she’s a wonderful girl.
She’d blow all them judges on Bake Off away
Would my beautiful, talented Shirl.

I can’t wait to taste it. I love how she’s done
Me initials in cherries. This cake
Is just what I wanted. I can’t give you none
I’m afraid. That would be a mistake.

She’d kill me. I never know how, but I swear
When I’m lying my missus can tell.
She don’t ever make me no presents to share,
So I’d best take it back to me cell.

And later, by light of my lighter, a slice
Off the end will reveal there’s a pile
Of currants inside, and a touch of mixed spice...
And the end of a bloody great file.
She sent me a hammer, a bloody great hammer,
with a fruitcake secreted within it.
It wasn’t the way we had planned it, God damn her –
the guards sussed it out in a minute.

She sent me a fruitcake with a file inside
and the bars of my cell were soon worn through.
But after the fruitcake, my girth was too wide
to fit through the bars I had sawn through.
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  #25  
Unread 10-09-2014, 04:57 PM
Douglas G. Brown's Avatar
Douglas G. Brown Douglas G. Brown is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Belfast, Maine
Posts: 1,306
Default (The Eternal) Fruitcake

On day seven, Jehovah made fruitcake; then rested -
Assured, for endurance, it couldn’t be bested.
No object from six days of Godly ability
Could outlast a fruitcake for sheer durability.

As man reached the threshold of civilization,
He found, though ’twas marginal as a collation,
(It lacking the essence for epicure’s liking);
As a gift, that a fruitcake’s ideal for recycling.

First given on Christmas in 1904;
A fruitcake, then sent in the Second World War
From a miner in Wales to an orphan in Seoul;
This June, was received by a Kurd on the dole.

The nuclear theorists are sorely annoyed
That fruitcake can neither be made nor destroyed.
Reciting these verses has rendered me breathless;
Unlike me, a fruitcake is utterly deathless.

Last edited by Douglas G. Brown; 10-10-2014 at 07:34 AM. Reason: small metrical fixes
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  #26  
Unread 10-15-2014, 01:03 PM
Peter Goulding Peter Goulding is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin
Posts: 211
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If a girl asked you back for your dinner, then you
had to be very wary of what might ensue.
For you were in trouble, without any doubt,
if, after the dinner, the fruitcake came out.

The cake was a sign that her mother approved.
Its absence denoted that she was unmoved.
Sometimes the wee lassie would sit there and pout
if, after the dinner, no fruitcake came out.

“Did you get fruitcake?” we’d ask of the poor
unfortunate wretch as he stepped out the door.
And if he confirmed it, we’d holler and shout
that the ring must be next, if the cake had come out.

We were just lads acting big about town,
enjoying our lives before settling down.
There was many a choirboy behaved like a lout,
afraid that the fruitcake would later come out.
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