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Old 05-06-2018, 02:31 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Sure, whatever you feel works best!

Cheers,
John
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  #12  
Old 05-14-2018, 12:53 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Susan,
I enjoyed this a lot. I do have one quibble: I find S1L6 somewhat awkward.
"and he lays the kings next to their wives"
is much more natural than
"and by their wives he has the kings lie down,"
especially since the first instinct is to take the queens themselves as the antecedent of "their". I realize that you don't want to lose the rhyme word "down".

Martin
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Old 05-14-2018, 02:44 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Martin, I thought it was clear that "by their wives" could not refer to the queens, and I do need "down" for the rhyme. Though I could go with "and by their wives he lays the monarchs down," I prefer to preserve the parallelism of "kings" and "queens." Compromises are inevitable, so I try to decide on what my priorities are, when something has to go.

Susan
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Old 05-14-2018, 03:42 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Perhaps "pale kings" instead of "monarchs"? I know that Rilke doesn't have "pale", but given the whole marble imagery, it fits.

Another, more radical departure that would avoid the awkwardness

"And next to them he lays the pale kings down,
fashioned like their wives from the selfsame stone."

Just some ideas, maybe they'll stimulate better ones.
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