Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 05-27-2018, 11:59 AM
Edward Zuk's Avatar
Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Surrey, Canada
Posts: 641
Default

Hi Andrew,

I wanted to say that (a) this has come together very nicely and (b) I think that the last line could have more oomph to it in order to round off all the other wonderful word play.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-28-2018, 03:19 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,547
Default

Julie and Ed, thanks for nudging me on the last line. I've rewritten it as

and I believe that we'll be thrilled as well.

which is closer to the original and clearer.

Also, line 5 now has "neither a storm nor other fate."

I don't want to belabor this thread, but hopefully these changes wrap this sonnet up nicely.

Last edited by Andrew Frisardi; 05-28-2018 at 08:53 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-28-2018, 03:33 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

Hi Andrew,

Your syntax is starting to remind me of Dante now. Which is a pretty big compliment, of course!

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-28-2018, 03:54 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,547
Default

Thanks, John.

One final question to anyone looking in: in the last line, should the beaux be "thrilled," as I now have them, or "glad"? I'm thinking the latter might be better but I can't tell anymore.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-28-2018, 04:00 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

They're different registers, neutral/classic and colloquial. I'd say go with colloquial (thrilled).

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-28-2018, 04:02 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,547
Default

Good thinking, John, that's probably more in-key with the translation.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 05-28-2018, 11:03 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,164
Default

Andrew,
why are the last two lines in the future tense? I can see the construction becomes awkward in the present, but perhaps going back to the original (in the crib--I know no Italian) conditional would be better:

And Lapo’s Lucy and your Vanna now,
along of course with her whose beauty blows
away the thirty best, appear somehow;
and we discuss—guess what? (it starts with L).
And they would be delighted with us beaux,
and I believe that we'd be thrilled as well.

It is a much smaller change, and comes back to S1 nicely.

Thanks again for the read!
Martin
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 05-29-2018, 12:45 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,547
Default

You're right, Martin. I've been spacing out on the verb tenses there. It's now fixed, following your suggestions. Thanks for that.

For the tough line 5, I've gone with "storm or change of fate," liking the distant rhyme with "great" in line 1.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,915
Total Threads: 19,392
Total Posts: 250,347
There are 191 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online