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  #11  
Old 09-22-2018, 11:29 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Rick,

I admire this. It is in a minor key, isn't it?. I have no nits to mention, only approbation. Your thread title was classical; I am inclined to archive this among classic examples of melancholic lays indeed!

Cheers,

Erik
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  #12  
Old 09-25-2018, 09:35 AM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Thanks Martin and Erik.


I'm glad that getting the name of the "holiday" (Patriot, no Patriot's) right clarifies things.

I can't really explain why those lines read as in-keeping with pentameter, Martin. Metrically, I think they flow with the rest. My career has been one of trying not to plod as much as I used to....


Thanks all,
RM
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  #13  
Old 10-06-2018, 11:27 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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Rick,


Only two nits: the repeat of the word "empty" within a few lines of each other (L2 and L5). I think the second one can easily be replaced by another adjective for the "ominous feeling."



Second nit, already mentioned by Sam. You say it doesn't work metrically, but it's perfect, if you think about the tripping.


Nice one.


Cathy
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  #14  
Old 10-06-2018, 11:53 AM
J.B. Marshall J.B. Marshall is offline
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Default Romance in F minor

Hi Rick,
I'm really enjoying this poem, but I have to ask something.
This sonnet is 15 lines - not 14.
Was that intentional?
Intentional or not - it's effective.
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  #15  
Old 10-06-2018, 10:02 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Rick,
This is very well done. The first four lines are good--very typical Rick Mullin. That is why I think changing things up and going with Mark's 11 line version is the way to go; I would also adopt Sam's meter stumbling suggestion, and then you will have solved both of Cathy's problems.

Thanks for the read!

Martin
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