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Old 09-24-2018, 02:25 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 2,668

Hi Annie,

Ah, OK, so it's other people's attempts at caring for the N that need fielding by the assistant. I'm still not sure that the revision makes that completely clear, though "well-aimed" helps, I think. I don't know that "dive" is any better than "rise". Also, to "dive on a signal" can be read that the signal is what is being dived onto, though commas would fix that. "To dive, at a signal, on a moment's ..." Whether you go with "rise" or "dive" you might consider "on my signal" for the extra 'm' alliteration with 'moment'. I guess something like "field" might help in place of "take" in L2 of the stanza, having more of a sense of dealing with, but soundwise you'd lose the 't' alliteration.

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Old 09-25-2018, 11:08 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,881

There are some great suggestions here. I just wanted to say I like "surry." It reminds me of the old song "Surry With Fringe On Top." I like the poem, too. It's charming in the best way.

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Old 09-26-2018, 08:45 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 4,329

Actually, what I was hoping to convey is that it's things others care about and want me to respond to that I want my assistant to "field" for me. Thanks, Matt, that word is a step in the right direction and I'm definitely going with your suggestion of "my" signal. Thank you.

Thank you all.

I think it's time for this to slide as it's had its fair share of attention and I need to spread it out in the thinking-shed for a while. I need to re-assess my relationship with this assistant. When I wrote it I was a discombobulated Dalek, spinning on the spot, going "Delegate! Delegate!"

And John - I'm not quite sure where the posh cart with the isinglass windows fits in, but the thought of it has tickled the 'ell out of me and it's always good to end on an earworm: chicks and ducks and geese better scurry...
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