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Old 10-19-2018, 01:51 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut, USA
Posts: 5,487

J.B. - Now that I’ve read this again, without any pauses when the lines are enjambed, I can definitely hear that every line is pentameter (with a liberal amount of anapests thrown in, including at some line-endings). So we are both right and we are both wrong.

I also noticed that ecclesiastical/syntactical are not the only assonant near rhymes. There are also Cabaret/played and sleight/hype. So the poem has 3 assonant slant rhymes, and the rest are all full rhymes. So that works, since none of the slant rhymes stick out.
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Old 10-19-2018, 03:52 PM
Julie Steiner's Avatar
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 5,447

J.B., I don't understand why you've taken an epigram-sized lump of butter and tried to stretch it out over a sonnet-sized piece of bread, instead of over a tasty little cracker.

The tell-y, expository feel of the middle section clashes with the playful recklessness being described, as all these supposedly transgressive trickster gods go about dutifully meeting the fourteen-line obligation. And where's the turn?

Bottom line: I don't think the sonnet form is doing this any favors.
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Old 10-19-2018, 09:29 PM
J.B. Marshall J.B. Marshall is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Maryland
Posts: 62
Default Hocus Pocus

Good evening Martin,
Thanks very much for giving my poem another read as well as for giving me some insight on how you were reading the poem. Understanding how a poem is perceived is one of the reasons why a forum like this is so valuable. I am going to put this poem "in the drawer" to cogitate on it some more, then have another go at it.
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