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Old 10-19-2018, 01:51 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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J.B. - Now that I’ve read this again, without any pauses when the lines are enjambed, I can definitely hear that every line is pentameter (with a liberal amount of anapests thrown in, including at some line-endings). So we are both right and we are both wrong.

I also noticed that ecclesiastical/syntactical are not the only assonant near rhymes. There are also Cabaret/played and sleight/hype. So the poem has 3 assonant slant rhymes, and the rest are all full rhymes. So that works, since none of the slant rhymes stick out.
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Old 10-19-2018, 03:52 PM
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Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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J.B., I don't understand why you've taken an epigram-sized lump of butter and tried to stretch it out over a sonnet-sized piece of bread, instead of over a tasty little cracker.

The tell-y, expository feel of the middle section clashes with the playful recklessness being described, as all these supposedly transgressive trickster gods go about dutifully meeting the fourteen-line obligation. And where's the turn?

Bottom line: I don't think the sonnet form is doing this any favors.
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Old 10-19-2018, 09:29 PM
J.B. Marshall J.B. Marshall is offline
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Good evening Martin,
Thanks very much for giving my poem another read as well as for giving me some insight on how you were reading the poem. Understanding how a poem is perceived is one of the reasons why a forum like this is so valuable. I am going to put this poem "in the drawer" to cogitate on it some more, then have another go at it.
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