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  #1  
Unread 05-09-2021, 03:24 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Default Horror Movie #1

...."...a shiver runs throughout the natural order:
....the crows sit up, take flight, and cross the border."

and something drags you through the moonlit snow,
and brings you where the woods are darkened now,
and takes from you what is not his to take,
and leaves you slumped for Nature to reclaim
beneath the watchful eye of an old cedar:
in time the wind will carry you away,
much faster than your feet could ever run,
within the music of the mourning crows.

Last edited by Yves S L; 05-13-2021 at 03:35 PM. Reason: previous version can be found in my first thread reply
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  #2  
Unread 05-10-2021, 02:09 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I can't get past the need for a definite article in line 2. If you changed "darkest part" to (for instance) "dark heart", you'd have space for it, and the thumping heartbeat would remain unscathed.
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Unread 05-10-2021, 05:52 AM
Joe Crocker Joe Crocker is online now
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This has a good nightmarish feel to it. The line I'm least convinced about is

"beneath the watchful eye of an old cedar:"

I could read the cedar as a benevolent presence and something more malevolent would be better I think. (I like Anne's suggestion of "dark heart")
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Unread 05-10-2021, 05:16 PM
mignon ledgard mignon ledgard is offline
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Default Yves S L - Horror Movie #1

Yves S L,

I like this clip very much. It’s very effective in its brevity, and musical, too.

I’m stopping to point at two verses, line three and line six:

“and takes from you what is not his to take,”

“in time the wind will carry you away,”

These two verses are strong statements indicating loss. One, of something palpable; the other, the wind, which I understand as being death itself. Both snatch away. And, in-between, “the watchful eye of an old cedar” seems to play a double roll, one of which may be a coffin? Maybe I’m inventing, which is so much fun to do..

Is it the spirit that is carried away “faster than your feet could ever run,” ? Am I having too much fun with your Horror Movie #1? There’s so much to the poem's eight verses! It’s OK if I’m totally off..

I’ll be back to read it again. More specifically, I wish to get more ‘into’ the great and somewhat dissonant “music of the mourning crows.”

It’s an impressive short poem.
~mignon
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Unread 05-10-2021, 10:49 PM
Golias Golias is offline
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Yves
Much to think about for a short poem. Starting with lower case "and" and doing the same with the first four lines says this is the end of the movie which went before. Repetition of "in time" for the last line instead of "inside" which is a bit hard to grasp exactly, would be in accord with the repetitions of "and" and might show even more the conscious craft employed.

Otherwise, I don't get the picture, or the sound of the last line. What is inside (or in time) with what? The wind? The moving spirit of the dead girl? I assume it's a girl or woman. Would it be anywhere near your intent to write something like "in time with the cawing of (distraught, distracted) crows."

Crows go caw, caw, caw, in distress or alarm if something disturbs them. Not really music, is it?
"Mournful" sounds ok if it is not directly applied to the sound but to the feeling attributed to the crows.For music in this situation, and to give the poem more of a positive ending, as already started with the wind blowing the victim's spirit and/or clothing away, I think "music of the morning doves (or mourning doves) might be considered for a really nice turn in mood at the end.

Just a few thoughts. Interesting poem.

Golias





Golias

Last edited by Golias; 05-11-2021 at 03:03 AM.
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  #6  
Unread 05-11-2021, 12:14 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I enjoyed the image of the ruined remains of the character disappearing inside the crow-music; it gave me a vision of closing credits at the end of a movie, a sort of sombre "that's all, folks". I wouldn't like to change that, but as I was explaining to myself what I felt and how I felt it, I found myself replacing "inside" with "within" and decided that I liked that a little better.
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Unread 05-11-2021, 12:57 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Hello gals and guys. Thanks very much for the feedback. I will get to your individual comments shortly but first a new version hopefully reflecting the comments and clarifying some things and making more ambigious yet other things.

I am going to stick the previous versions here:

Version 1.1 (suggested tweaks of commenters)

and something drags you through the moonlit snow,
and brings you where the woods are darkened now,
and takes from you what is not his to take,
and leaves you slumped for Nature to reclaim
beneath the watchful eye of an old cedar:
in time the wind will carry you away,
much faster than your feet could ever run,
within the music of the mourning crows.


Version 1.0 (original inspiration)

and something drags you through the moonlit snow,
and brings you to the darkest part of wood,
and takes from you what is not his to take,
and leaves you slumped for Nature to reclaim
beneath the watchful eye of an old cedar:
in time the wind will carry you away,
much faster than your feet could ever run,
inside the music of the mourning crows.

Last edited by Yves S L; 05-11-2021 at 05:50 PM.
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  #8  
Unread 05-11-2021, 05:59 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Ann,

I agreed with your recommendations and implemented them in tweaks. Thank you.

Joe,

I hope the latest version clarifies some choices. Thank you.

Golias,

I give you permission to create a version with a happier ending for your own use. I think a more positive ending is worthwhile, but it would be more like an alternate version. With "in time" I meant something like "soon enough" as opposed to something like "march in time". I thought about changing "in time" to "too late" but then the sonic harmony of the line is utterly destory, so "in time" is the best compromise I can come up with at the moment. Thank you.

Mignon,

The poem was constructed for the reader to invent just as much as the author, and your inventions are very much line with the interpretations I thought of, but you are free to invent as much as you want and create whatever interpretation you want. I appreciate your comments on musicality, because the sound is about half the poem. Thank you.

Thanks all.
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