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  #1  
Unread 06-16-2019, 09:46 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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xxxxxBadger State Rhapsody

He loves to see his Valentina there
In Madison, Wisconsin’s Greyhound station —
Alive at the planet’s best encounter, filling
Those coffee cups he needs to be serene —
Far from the bus announcer’s clarion shrilling,
His apparition serving dawn flirtation
Like easy sunrise. So, what does he declare?

Oh, listen to his words. He just remakes
Mountains from soda fountains, billets doux
From luncheonette placemats, while he devours
Waffles drowned in syrup and apple yogurt,
And groans about the earliness of her hours,
And spills a tip across the breakfast menu
That rests atop that showcase full of cakes.





Change:
L1 is "loves to see his Valentina there", was "sees her like the Mona Lisa"




xxxxxBadger State Rhapsody

I like to see you and your corona here
In Madison, Wisconsin’s Greyhound station —
Alive at the planet’s best encounter, filling
Those coffee cups I need to be serene —
Far from the bus announcer’s clarion shrilling,
My apparition serving dawn nutrition
With flirtation. So, what do I declare?

Oh, listen to my words. We’ll just devise
Mountains from soda fountains, billets doux
From luncheonette placemats, while I devour
Waffles drowned in syrup and apple yogurt,
And groan about the earliness of the hour,
Then spill a tip across the breakfast menu
That rests atop that showcase full of pies.


xxxxxxPrevious version below:

xxxxxBadger State Rhapsody

I like to see you and your corona here
In Madison, Wisconsin’s Greyhound station —
Alive at the planet’s best encounter, filling
Those coffee cups I need to be serene —
Far from the bus announcer’s clarion shrilling,
My apparition serving dawn nutrition
With flirtation. So, what do I declare?

Oh, listen to my words. We’ll just remake
Mountains from soda fountains, billets doux
From luncheonette placemats, while I devour
Waffles drowned in syrup and apple yogurt,
And groan about the earliness of the hour,
Then spill a tip across the breakfast menu
That rests atop that showcase full of cakes.


Changes:
Title is "Badger State Rhapsody", was "Cheesehead Rhapsody"

L1 is "corona", was "cardigan"; is "and" (trial), was "in"
L4 is "coffee", was "caffeine"
L6 is “dawn flirtation”, was “dawn provisions”, was “dawn nutrition”; is "My", was "An”
L7 is “like easy sunrise”, was “with flirtation”
L8 is "devise" (trial), was "remake"
L12 is “her hours”, was “the hours”
L9 is "Mountains from soda fountains" (was "Potations"), was "Coffee fountains"
L14 is “cakes”, was "pies" (trial), was "cakes", was "cake"; is "showcase", was "glass case"

Last edited by Allen Tice; 07-13-2019 at 11:05 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 06-16-2019, 11:59 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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I prefer the Americana to the Japanicana. The second stanza is much stronger here. The message is also completely different. I prefer it.

(Still, we say "drowned in" not "drowned with.")

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-17-2019 at 12:03 AM.
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  #3  
Unread 06-17-2019, 12:13 AM
Ken Brownlow Ken Brownlow is offline
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Allen, this one really caught my ear.

I had to google 'billet doux',

but everything else went down very nicely, there's music here.
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  #4  
Unread 06-17-2019, 02:17 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Hi Allen,

I quite like this as well, and also prefer it to the first of the series. I think you mean billets doux.

Cheers,
John
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  #5  
Unread 06-17-2019, 02:19 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
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I was already familiar with the term, but I'm pretty sure the plural is "billets doux".

(Crossposted with John...)
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  #6  
Unread 06-17-2019, 05:27 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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x
You have widened the lens a bit with this one so that the N is in the scene, if only in cameo. I like it equally to the Japanese 14 liner. Keep your eyes right there for a while longer and you’ll bequeath a menu of aperitifs to beauty and love. They come together here.

With or in?
Hmmmmmmm........ Ask a cheesehead how they do it, Fondue.
x
x
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  #7  
Unread 06-17-2019, 07:00 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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I might find a cheesehead or reasonable approximation to ask, or I could use “drenched.” “Drowned” for now. Thanks all for the corrections for “billets doux.” I didn’t expect that this version would be preferred to the previously posted one. Maybe it’s like the odd fact that the face of the Statue of Liberty that was depicted recently on a US postage stamp was discovered to be modeled on a Las Vegas copy, and not the real statue. Las Vegas has certain charms I understand.

Though it’s a less than minimal sample size and highly skewed, it looks like (most) people here so far prefer the Thing Two “Las Vegas” imitation to the real thing in this case. I hesitate to disagree with Aaron on anything important, ditto Ann, but I have to here. Could it be that Jim has found windows closed to both Aaron and Ann in the Thing One (shinkānsen) variant that are like Spring days and Fall evenings outdoors, and that are lacking in the easy “Wisconsin” and billets doux Thing Two variation? Once I anchored “Wisconsin” and “luncheonette,” Thing Two was much easier to write, but it seems glib and two-dimensional to me. I think that maybe I have two bookends for something: Samurai samisen and Uncle Sam. Which ought be placed first in a MS? That’s for later. Thanks to all, honorable critters-san.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 06-18-2019 at 11:00 AM.
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Unread 06-18-2019, 05:48 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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It's a bit doggerel-ish and hardly Auden at his best, but here is something very remotely relevant by W. H. Auden (forgive the "as usual"-- Auden wasn't a woman's man by any means) [I'd rewite that unfair jab, myself], with a title drawn from Shakespeare. I've tried to get the proper italics :


The Truest Poetry is the most Feigning

W. H. Auden

By all means sing of love but, if you do,
Please make a rare old proper hullabaloo:
When ladies ask How much do you love me?
The Christian answer is cosi-cosi;
But poets are not celibate divines:
Had Dante said so, who would read his lines?
Be subtle, various, ornamental, clever,
And do not listen to those critics ever
Whose crude provincial gullets crave in books
Plain cooking made still plainer by plain cooks
As though the Muse preferred her half-wit sons:
Good poets have a weakness for bad puns.

Suppose your Beatrice be, as usual, late,
And you would tell us how it feels to wait,
You’re free to think, what may be even true,
You’re so in love that one hour seems like two,
But write —As I sat waiting for her call,
Each second longer darker seemed than all

(Something like this but more elaborate still)
Those raining centuries it took to fill
That quarry whence Endymion’s Love was torn
;
From such ingenious fibs are poems born.
Then, should she leave you for some other guy,
Or ruin you with debts, or go and die,
No metaphor, remember, can express
A real historical unhappiness;
You tears have value if they make us gay;
O Happy Grief! is all sad verse can say.

The living girl’s your business (some odd sorts
Have been an inspiration to men’s thoughts):
Yours may be old enough to be your mother,
Or have one leg that’s shorter than the other,
Or play Lacrosse or do the Modern Dance,
To you that’s destiny, to us it’s chance;
We cannot love your love till she take on,
Through you, the wonders of a paragon.
Sing her triumphant passage to our land,
The sun her footstool, the moon in her right hand,
And seven planets blazing in her hair,
Queen of the Night and Empress of the Air;
Tell how her fleet by nine king swans is led,
Wild geese write magic letters overhead
And hippocampi follow in her wake
With Amphisboene, gentle for her sake;
Sing her descent on the exulting shore
To bless the vines and put an end to war.

If half-way through such praises of your dear,
Riot and shooting fill the streets with fear,
And overnight as in some terror dream
Poets are suspect with the New Regime,
Stick at your desk and hold your panic in,
What you are writing may still save your skin:
Re-sex the pronouns, add a few details,
And lo, a panegyric ode which hails
(How is the Censor, bless his heart, to know?)
The new pot-bellied Generalissimo.
Some epithets, of course, like lily-breasted
Need modifying to, say, lion-chested,
A title Goddess of wry-necks and wrens
To Great Reticulator of the fens,
But in an hour your poem qualifies
For a State pension or His annual prize,
And you will die in bed (which He will not:
That public nuisance will be hanged or shot).
Though honest Iagos, true to form, will write
Shame! in your margins, Toady! Hypocrite!
True hearts, clear heads will hear the note of glory
And put inverted commas round the story,
Thinking —Old Sly-boots! We shall never know
Her name or nature. Well, it’s better so.


For given Man, by birth, by education,
Imago Dei who forgot his station,
The self-made creature who himself unmakes,
The only creature ever made who fakes,
With no more nature in his loving smile
Than in his theories of a natural style,
What but tall tales, the luck of verbal playing,
Can trick his lying nature into saying
That love, or truth in any serious sense,
Like orthodoxy, is a reticence?

xxxxx

Last edited by Allen Tice; 06-18-2019 at 05:57 PM. Reason: added apology for "as usual" -- that's not me!
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  #9  
Unread 06-23-2019, 08:47 AM
Jake Sheff Jake Sheff is offline
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Allen,

The opening couplet feels prolix -- "here" is unnecessary... I'd suggest swapping "in" for "and" to start L2. L3 is poetic -- "the planet's best encounter" -- nice bit of hyperbole.
Swapping caffeine for coffee isn't effective, IMO. The lofty language should probably be interspersed with Germanic or monosyllabic words, my goodness. L5 to L7 is too high-sounding, too Latinate. Roethke's "Dolor" always comes to mind as a good example of how to blend the two.

I think S2 is stronger. I don't quite understand "coffee fountains as mountains," I mean the sense, whether poetic (figurative) or literal. I like the self-degradation; reminds me of all good male poets i.e. Larkin, Muldoon...kind of baseness "devour / waffles drowned..." Prolixity invades again -- if N is groaning about earliness, "of the hour" is unnecessary. I think "spill a tip" is inventive. I think there is missed opportunity for symbolism in the final line, where you could expand it a bit and not leave so much for the reader to read into it... It suggests a have your cake and eat it too possibility. The bitter SWEET ness of lost love or infatuation. It's a heavy and resonant final line, but I think leaves too much legwork for the reader.

Cheers,
Jake
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  #10  
Unread 06-23-2019, 12:04 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Hello, Jake. Several of your suggestions are well observed. For example, in L1, I am trying "and" rather than "in", and in L4 have made "caffeine" into "coffee". However, although "here" in L1 could be dispensed with (even rhythmically I think), it adds an intimacy of (fictive) location and satisfies the chiastic loose rhyme pattern. (I tried "near" and might go with that, but only after working on L2. Might do, if needed.)

I need a better garment to swap in for "cardigan"!! Thoughts, any person?

I have not yet been in Wisconsin, much less Madison, so the "lost love" (as it would seem) would have to be located elsewhere. Station luncheonettes and diners abound: this could be in Osceola County, Indiana; Washington state's Seattle; somewhere nice in Manhattan, etc. I admit that L14 was on the heavy side, and something I'd reflected about very early on, so maybe "showcase" lightens that up. Diners and even luncheonettes often have a prominent display case full of cakes and pies to tempt their guests.

I'm unaware of any self-degradation. Show me how or where, and I will fix that! Since "coffee" was moved to L4, something had to be done about L9. "Soda Fountains" respelled as Mountains would work, but I'm trying "Potation" just for deep kicks. Bubbly soda doesn't have enough viscosity. I don't yet know Roethke's "Dolor", and agree that the poem's a bit abstract in LL5-7. Will study that area in the next day or two. As to "hour" in L12, there's my chiastic rhyme scheme, and it makes sense to me.

Thanks, you've given me good suggestions and food for thought.
Kind regards.

PS: Looked at "Dolor", which reminds me heavily of T. S. Eliot's "I have known them all" etc. Ennui, not "On Wisconsin", the football anthem.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 06-23-2019 at 07:08 PM.
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