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  #11  
Unread 02-01-2019, 01:29 PM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Trying two different ways of working in "silken". Not totally sure either works, but interested in how they seem to others.
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  #12  
Unread 02-01-2019, 02:56 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Hmmm. Silken has both texture and fluidity. I don't see the fluidity of it. I liked John's suggestion of "soft shards" that mirrors the patternless patterns.
I'm still hoping the blue fish appears inside the poem. It feels incomplete without it. If your intention is to implant the visual of the blue fish in the reader's mind by inclusion in the title and then expect the reader to assimilate it into the imagery of the poem, well, if seems under-valued. A one-eyed fish. Peace Soup.
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  #13  
Unread 02-02-2019, 08:58 AM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Thanks, Jim. When you buy tofu, its firmness is rated: extra firm, firm, soft, silken. So "silken" here specifies the extreme softness of the tofu in a way no other word can.

I understand your point about the fish, but I disagree with you. I think the title is sufficient to place the fish deeper still than the tofu that's sunk to the bottom of the bowl. Nothing more needs to be, or can be, said about it.
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  #14  
Unread 02-02-2019, 10:57 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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This -- my urging that you put the fish inside the poem -- is a good example of a tendency I have in critiquing to view a poem through my own lens vs. understanding the style and intent of the poet. (Though to my credit I think I am becoming more aware of that and more aware of the diversity of writing styles -- most of which are far better than mine.) I can learn from realizing why you are adamant about leaving things as they are with regard to the fish and hopefully assimilate that learning into advancing my own writing style. Not everything needs to be said in order to be said. Something like that : )

In my writing and in my reading I do have something of a penchant for the romantic. It carries over into my critiquing and it shouldn't. I can certainly see what you are saying and now can see it is the way to go.
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  #15  
Unread 02-02-2019, 12:14 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Jim, I hope my resistance to your suggestion in this instance doesn't make you hesitant to make similar suggestions in the future. Even when I disagree with a crit, it's valuable to me to confront it, to check with myself that my choice to write something as I have is justified. Often, it isn't, and there's no way to know in advance.
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  #16  
Unread 02-03-2019, 09:19 AM
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I think I've settled on a revision I like. Don't love the enjambment on "over" and still thinking if I can manage that bit better, but otherwise I think the changes improve things. I've convinced myself that "silken" should attach directly to the shards.

Thoughts?
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  #17  
Unread 02-03-2019, 03:18 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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The more that I think of this Aaron the more I see shards of tofu. My youngest is vegetarian and I have seen those apparent shards (and yes you are right they do look like shards) when I have prepared tofu in soups. Silken is the right word.

Chinese meals, both Cantonese and Mandarin, can trigger poetic thought.

I am still mulling over some of the changes.

Regards,

Jan
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  #18  
Unread 02-03-2019, 04:10 PM
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R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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I never feel comfortable when the ending of a poem sends me to the dictionary. "Doufu" by any name is just literal when the poem cries out for metaphor.
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