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  #1  
Unread 01-25-2019, 07:32 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Default Bastardry

A bastard heaven,
a moon that must
slowly spin
in galaxies of dust.

The sun found
that gibbous face,
wry-necked by the noose
he’d snugged in place.

What latent hate
and self-sorrow
used today
to lose tomorrow?

And so he waits,
hanging, dead,
for his son to find
in the garden shed.

Last edited by Jan Iwaszkiewicz; 01-29-2019 at 06:10 PM.
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  #2  
Unread 01-25-2019, 07:38 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Jan,

Nice to see you posting. This packs a punch. I do have the urge to regularize it, FWIW: "in clouds of dust," some extra beat before self-sorrow, a comma after dead. Make of that what you will, it's just how I read it. Fine, brittle work.

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Unread 01-25-2019, 07:47 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Thanks John the comma is in. Accentual dimeter. The swirl of dust particles in slanting light are galaxies to me not clouds.

Regards,

Jan
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  #4  
Unread 01-25-2019, 07:50 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Glad you like the comma! The rest should of course be the way you want it, and your argument makes sense.

Cheers,
John
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  #5  
Unread 01-25-2019, 07:54 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Accentual gets that, John.
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  #6  
Unread 01-25-2019, 10:30 AM
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Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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This is fantastic, Jan. My favorite of yours, ever, and one of my favorites at Eratosphere, ever. Wow.

And while we're suggesting punctuation changes, I'd prefer ending S2 with an em dash and de-capitalizing "What" in S3.

What would you think of removing "slowly," and letting "spin" sit there alone on the line? I think that that abrupt solitude would connote slowness, and would be a sort of rob-Peter-to-pay-Paul way of lending the next line the space that (I feel) it needs for "galaxies" to fit the meter more gracefully. (I can't help giving "galaxies" two beats when there's an unstressed word after it.)

Did I mention that I love this? I love it.

Last edited by Julie Steiner; 01-25-2019 at 10:32 AM.
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  #7  
Unread 01-25-2019, 10:47 AM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
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Hi Jan

Excellent piece. I like what’s going on in it and the symbols you’ve used to tell the story. The last stanza is my favorite.
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  #8  
Unread 01-25-2019, 12:11 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Wow. Imagistic, spare, words seared and cleaved down to the bone. To read it is to witness it.

I'm trying to like Julie's suggestion for "spin" and she makes her always-compelling argument for it, but I don't want anything to be lost. But I, too, hear two beats in galaxies. The second one, though, is hollowed-out, deflated and hardly noticeable.

Virtuoso fantastico.
x
x
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  #9  
Unread 01-25-2019, 01:44 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Jan,


This combines brilliant excellence of epigrammatic expression with equally deft and compendious imagery so as to impart a story and reflection in memorable lines. They sound classic. I am so impressed.

Thank you for sharing this,

Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 01-25-2019 at 02:45 PM.
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  #10  
Unread 01-26-2019, 07:22 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Aye, it's a good one, Jan,
The third stanza's compression is particularly remarkable.

Nemo
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