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Unread 02-01-2019, 08:40 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Location: New York, NY
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Jim, thank you for calling me out to focus on character voices. I want the character voices to be fun, credible and distinct. Have I achieved those goals in the following speeches? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

There are two character voices in this excerpt. Director One (older authoritative female); Heather Hackenrude (thirty-something, chatty).


Director One (on phone):

“Listen. We’ve got trouble.
Michael Sanger, keeper of the geeks
at DHS in Soho, disappeared
six hours ago. What if the worst we feared
has come to pass? What if Stavros Canard
is back?
is back? I want you down there on the double,
first, making sure all’s well, then, standing guard
over this software called ‘The Master Key’.
It’s classified; it has priority.
Now go.”

. . . . .

Heather Hackenrude, in answer to your questions:

“I hardly know the guy,
but, with the storm, there’s lots of reasons why
he might be AWOL.”

“Sorry, but we don’t have clearance.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, sees that vault
except the chosen few who wear the right
fingerprints. No method of assault—
machine-gun fire, bazooka shell, C-4—
is getting through that steel-and-Kevlar door.
Trust me, the Master Key is locked up tight
in there, and nobody, including you,
will visit it today.”

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 02-01-2019 at 08:45 AM.
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  #12  
Unread 02-16-2019, 03:36 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Location: Connecticut, USA
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Hi Aaron,

I’m enjoying the series of chapters. I like “very / tight-lipped.” I like it especially for the personification of the building.

In Alfred Is A Hurricane, in the line, “Hey, how ‘bout this crazy weather?” The apostrophe (‘) in ‘bout should be reversed like this: ’bout. You can do that by putting a letter before the apostrophe and then deleting the letter.

q’bout

’bout


That’s my only nit in the last 3 episodes.

Best,
Martin

PS - these lines

No method of assault—
machine-gun fire, bazooka shell, C-4—
is getting through that steel-and-Kevlar door.
Trust me, the Master Key is locked up tight
in there, and nobody, including you,
will visit it today.”

brought to mind James West and Artemus Gordon in "The Wild Wild West." Those guys could get through anything! — including a vault with a steel and Kevlar door.

Last edited by Martin Elster; 02-16-2019 at 03:58 PM.
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