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  #11  
Unread 02-07-2019, 02:41 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Andrew, I hesitated to use the adjective “grotesque” to describe your writing style knowing it is hard to accept it as a compliment but that’s exactly what I wanted it to be. Not Poe grotesque, not Stephen King, but rather in the vein of rawness and complexity at the intersections of intellect, emotion and primal instinct... And of course not everything you write speaks in that voice. It’s just that voice is in your wheelhouse.

The comma insertion (!) in L2 does exactly what I thought was needed when I said it felt "grammatically garbled”. The line needed some protection, like a sprinkling of comma

I came around to understanding and appreciating the length of the poem and the abrupt way it ground to a halt. As only “I” like to say (by that I mean I never heard anyone else say it), it’s not the length of the ocean it’s the depths to which we traverse it

Size never matters in the end (in poetry).

x
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  #12  
Unread 02-07-2019, 03:39 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Ha! No worries, Jim. I took it in the Renaissance art sense, and thus as a compliment.
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  #13  
Unread 02-07-2019, 04:16 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Hi Andrew,

"craving" seems a little abstract/telly compared to pounding and panting, plus you lose the alliteration. Would "pulsing" work?

the curtains of that central room and all
that’s left’s the panting, pounding, and the pulsing
of the lizard “I” was piled on.


'pulsing' seems nicely open to a couple of readings, as urgency, as biology (having a pulse) and then perhaps a more sexual one.

Or maybe you could go with something like:

the curtains of that central room and all
that’s left’s the flickering, glistening tongue
of the lizard “I” was piled on.


because the tongue is the main sensory organ, which (I'm guessing) would be how they moved towards prey or a mate, but perhaps that's too obscure.

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 02-07-2019 at 04:19 PM.
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  #14  
Unread 02-07-2019, 04:43 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Too obscure?! Have you read my poems? (I kid, I kid, I hope).

That said, I do quite like the second one and am really considering it.
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  #15  
Unread 02-07-2019, 07:18 PM
Ron Greening Ron Greening is offline
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Hi Andrew,
In fidelity to lizardness, maybe that’s left’s the panting, pounding, the clench of legs. I am enjoying your poem.
Regards, Ron
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  #16  
Unread 02-07-2019, 07:24 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Me: ...Not Poe grotesque, not Stephen King...


Correction: nix mention of both Poe and Stephen King. Insert Ionesco.
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  #17  
Unread 02-08-2019, 09:31 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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I ultimately came back to a plosive and took "pulsing," Matt, but rearranged it. Thanks for that. It's a clear improvement on "craving" in all aspects, and an improvement on "pining" in semantic.

Rob: thank you for stopping by. I enjoy it. "Clench of leg" is a little too on the nose for me, I think, but thank you for suggestion.

Jim: Ionesco! Good company to be in.
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  #18  
Unread 02-08-2019, 04:19 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Finally came around to revision "children's."

"a plastic" instead of "some children's" isn't revolutionary, but I think it's an incremental improvement, and plastic has some resonance elsewhere, I think.

Also, I realize I never responded to your point about "next," Jim. I just didn't want to have "then" twice in two lines. I'd be happy to find a better fix, though.

Last edited by Andrew Szilvasy; 02-08-2019 at 04:30 PM.
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  #19  
Unread 02-08-2019, 04:56 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Hi Andrew,

I'm a fan of "children's" over "plastic". Maybe because it makes the childhood->adolescence thing clear. But maybe it'll grow on me.

I can see (I think) why you didn't put "pulsing" at the end. But I wonder if "panting" would be better there at the end of the line? "panting" seems to me more suggestive of desire than "pounding", and it's desire (I think) that would then be emphasised by the enjambment.

Or is there an issue with putting 'pulsing' and 'pounding' next to each other making it seem like one is modifying the other? As if were, "the pulsing pounding, and the panting"?

BTW, 'pumping' is possibly another 'p' option.

-Matt
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  #20  
Unread 02-09-2019, 03:18 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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New draft up, fixing I think a faulty enjambment, losing plastic, and getting rid of the "left's"
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