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  #11  
Unread 02-21-2019, 08:38 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Hi Aaron,

I enjoyed action here and the Anglo-Saxon alliterative vibe. Very nicely done.

I had the same problem with line Martin flags up. The 'w'-alliterating words give four stresses, then there's one more after.

A small nit here:

A snake-like vent on the ceiling drops.

The "sn" of snake and the "s" sound of ceiling aren't quite matched, the former's 'n' plus the extra sibilance make a noticeable difference to my ear. Anyway, it stuck out for me. Perhaps more so because this is (I think) the only place in the poem where something like this happens.

best,

Matt
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  #12  
Unread 02-21-2019, 09:44 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, gentlemen. I have accepted all your crits. Most of the revisions are to stanza 4.

What was

Ever the survivor, Ever the survivor,
you lie pinned in a pile of rubble,
one eye woozily watching what must be
the shepherd of all this shock and awe
(a lean longhair with celebrity skin)
make his way among the commandos,
holding a, no, a hacked-off hand?
It must have belonged to the missing man,
the tech Sanger. The total psycho
plops the meat palm-down on a scanner,
presses the five fingers flat
beneath his own.

has become

Ever the survivor,
Ever the survivor,
you lie pinned in a pile of rubble,
woozily watching what is apparently
the shepherd of all this shock and awe
(a longhair, lean, with celebrity skin)
make his way among the commandos,
holding a, no, a hacked-off hand?
It must have come from the kidnapped coder,
Michael Sanger. The suave savage
plops the meat palm-down on a scanner,
presses the five fingers flat
beneath his own.

. . . . .

In stanza six, what was

The gaudy guy goes in, emerges
flush with victory.

has become

The psycho goes in, soon emerges
flush with victory.

. . . . .

I accept, Matt, that in stanza 3 “A snake-like vent on the ceiling drops” doesn’t do it. I will need to re-film and re-edit that whole sequence. I’m on it.

Martin E., thank you very much. I will fix “’bout.”

Michael, thanks. I have accepted your revision.

Martin R., thank you. I was less confident in this section than others when I posted it, and it has taken some revision. I do want the action in this section—I just need to win you over with it.

Jim, thank you for your enthusiasm. Yes, “guy” wasn’t right. I have revised that line.

Thanks, all, for helping me with this!
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  #13  
Unread 02-21-2019, 10:21 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Matt, in stanza 3

what was

A snake-like vent on the ceiling drops.

has become

A viperous length of vent collapses.
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