[George Simmers]

Hre's my stab at it.
It strikes me, though, that American readers may not have come across the drink referred to. Tesco, our biggest supermarket chain, runs a line of very cheap essential items, labelled "Value" products in standard and rather grim packaging. Some of these are OK (Tesco Value tinned tomatoes are an essential part of my Bolognese sauce) but others are a bit horrible. The Value lemonade contains neither lemons nor sugar and leaves a horrid aftertaste in the mouth - but it costs only 18p for two litres, so is an appropriate festive drink for these hard times.

In a New Year of recession
Shall we give in to depression,
Moaning, mournful and dismayed?
We shall not, for we've got
Tesco Value Lemonade!

Though Christmas was a washout
Since it hurt to fork the dosh out
(And some bills are still unpaid)
Thank the Lord we can afford
Tesco Value lemonade!

Though every British person
Knows next year will be a worse 'un
Don't let on that you're afraid.
Raise your mug – boldly glug
Tesco Value Lemonade!

[John Whitworth]

Cripes, George. That makes even IRN BRU palatable. Terrific song though. Anybody know an old temperance ditty ditty that begins 'My drink is water bright, water bright... '

And for connoisseurs of old competitions Stanley Sharpless (wasn't it?) produced something which contained the immortal line... 'Cocoa coursing through their veins'. Because cocoa has aphrodisiac properties, or didn't you know that?

have I spelled that word right? It doesn't look right somehow. Not cocoa, you fool...

[Susan McLean]

John, I once learned an old temperance song that went something like this:

Drink not, ye merry girls and boys,
of wine that sparkles but decoys,
drink water pure and bright,
drink water pure and bright.
It bringeth neither care nor pain,
but cheereth like the gentle rain,
drink water, sweet water,
drink water, water every day,
drink water, pure water,
drink water pure and bright.

Is that the one you are thinking of?

Susan

[Esther Murer]

Here's another echte temperance song:

I'm a young abstainer, from drinking customs free;
if others choose the drunkard's cup, cold water give to me.
REFRAIN:
Clear cold water, that's the drink for me;
I'm a young abstainer, from drinking customs free.

The drunkard is a foolish man; when he goes on the streets,
he is pointed at with scorn by everyone he meets.
(REFRAIN)

The drunkard is a careless man, he throws his cash away;
he does not save his money up against an evil day.
(REFRAIN)

The drunkard is a cruel man, and thus we often see
his wretched wife and family in rags and misery.
(REFRAIN)

Esther

[George Simmers]

Here is Stanley J's lovely poem:

IN PRAISE OF COCOA, CUPID'S NIGHTCAP
Lines written upon hearing the startling news that cocoa is, in fact, a mild aphrodisiac

Stanley J. Sharpless

Half-past nine-high time for supper;
"Cocoa, love?" "Of course, my dear."
Helen thinks it's quite delicious,
John prefers it now to beer.
Knocking back the sepia potion,
Hubby winks, says, "Who's for bed?"
"Shan't be long," says Helen softly,
Cheeks a faintly flushing red.
For they've stumbled on the secret
Of a love that never wanes,
Rapt beneath the tumbled bedclothes,
Cocoa coursing through their veins.

[John Whitworth]

That's the one, George. Sheer genius! And thank you, Susan. My one is an old Welsh temperance song and the chorus is:

My drink is water bright, water bright, water bright.
My drink is water bright from the gushing stream.

There is this old warhorse:
THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR
SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE

The Demon of Rum is about in the land,
His victims are falling on every hand,
The wise and the simple, the brave and the fair,
No station too high for his vengeance to spare.
O women, the sorrow and pain is with you,
And so be the joy and the victory, too;
With this for your motto, and succour divine,
The lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine,

The homes that were happy are ruined and gone.
The hearts that were merry are wretched and lone,
And lives full of promise of good things to come,
Are ruined and wreck'd by the Demon of Rum.
Wives, maidens and mothers, to you it is giv'n,
To rescue the fallen and point them to heav'n.
With us for your guides you shall win by this sign,
The lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine.

O mothers, whose sons tarry long at the bowl,
Who love their good name as you love your own soul,
O maidens with fathers, and brothers and beaux;
Whose lives you would rescue from infinite woes,
Let war be your watchword, from shore unto shore,
Till Rum and his legions shall ruin no more,
And write on your banners, in letters that shine,
The lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine.

They don't do it like that any more!

[Roger Slater]

Drinking Song

I do not cheer for wine or beer
or liquids of that ilk,
but I'm a sucker when it comes
to creamy mother's milk.

I find vermouth and gin uncouth
and never touch a drop,
but take a dug and fill my mug,
I find it hard to stop.

Though scotch or rum appeal to some,
the drink I most enjoy
is what I sipped the day they snipped
my cord and cried, "A boy!"

In Spain sangría may just be a
way to end one's funk,
but tell your padres it takes madre's
milk to get you drunk.

[Julie Steiner]

More inspiration...and a rather insidious mind-worm melody, too. Here are Johnny Cash's version, Aretha Franklin's, and this overly-syrupy but otherwise very nice a cappella jazz arrangement. (Note that most singers get the words wrong.)


Ben Jonson (1572-1637)
Song: To Celia

Drink to me only with thine eyes,
...And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
...And I'll not look for wine.
The thirst that from the soul doth rise
...Doth ask a drink divine;
But might I of Jove's nectar sup,
...I would not change for thine.

I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
...Not so much honoring thee
As giving it a hope that there
...It could not withered be.
But thou thereon didst only breathe
...And sent'st it back to me;
Since when it grows, and smells, I swear,
...Not of itself, but thee.

[Mary Meriam]

That's a winner, Roger!

[John Whitworth]

Yup, Roger. You've cracked it.