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  #31  
Old 07-12-2018, 10:07 PM
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Robert Pecotte Robert Pecotte is offline
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Default Meat Loaf and Gravy

Aaron, I think that this works well. Only a couple of nits, I prefer 'arcane' to 'insane' in S2 L2, as it better fits the theme. Also, your opening line feels a bit removed from the waitress and the meatloaf (though I may be reading it wrong). And meatloaf deserves steaming browned gravy.

My Best to You,

Fr. Rob
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  #32  
Old 07-13-2018, 06:23 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, all.

I have decided to go back to “stream, pine, den” over “fish, flesh, den” and to “turn to wilderness” over “turn untamable.”

Father, yes, I mean that opening quote to float for a few lines until it comes into context in line 4-7.

Martin, I don’t remember the poem you mention—it wasn’t mine. Matt?

Best,
Aaron
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  #33  
Old 07-13-2018, 06:50 AM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Aaron,
it just struck me that the first half of this is a point by point American answer to Rimbaud's "At the Green Inn": The road, the waitress, the meat, the beer. Was that somewhere in your subconscious, or great minds thinking alike?

Martin
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  #34  
Old 07-13-2018, 08:37 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Martin, "At the Green Inn" is a great poem. I confess I did not have it in mind. Rimbaud's barmaid is hotter than my weird waitress: "la fille aux tétons énormes, aux yeux vifs."

Best,

Aaron
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  #35  
Old 07-13-2018, 12:53 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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I like it very much, even without the werebear expressly named. You are right that the dedication to Tim strongly affected the poem.
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  #36  
Old 07-13-2018, 05:22 PM
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Woody Long Woody Long is offline
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Aaron —

L10 referring to Ursa Major & Ursa Minor, currently:

just keep on shambling through the night out there

(where shambling replaces the original spinning)

shambling is appropriate for bears but not for polar constellations
spinning is appropriate for polar constellations but not for bears

maybe something in between, e.g. the figurative:

just keep on rolling through the night out there

& adding a subdued allusion to American pop.

— Woody

Beside the point: Suddenly it dawns on me that Ursa Major and Ursa Minor are polar bears.

— W
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  #37  
Old 07-13-2018, 06:03 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Good, Woody! But they are mostly black. If the verb is being reopened, I will say that an online dictionary gives the ungainly motion of bears as "lolloping."
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  #38  
Old 07-13-2018, 06:43 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Woody and Bill.

I decided, at the suggestion of several, to animate the constellations--they come to life in the subject's mind as he/she "goes wild."
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  #39  
Old 07-13-2018, 07:26 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

A most excellent poem!
I'm glad you went back to stream, pine, den.
Also, I love Martin's Rimbaud observation.

Cheers,
John
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