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  #151  
Unread 01-28-2010, 05:19 AM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Donna,

I really like your latest one! (except for 'on the target'...the scansion isn't quite right.)
Something like
A paratrooper jumps, then comes to rest
right on the target. Ready for a blast
of uplift?....
That's not brilliant but it's just off the top of my head. I'm sure you can improve that line!

Martin,
You must be aiming for the Guiness Book of Records! More amazing poems.
Sorry to see 'kvetch' go - and what's a 'foetor'?
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  #152  
Unread 01-28-2010, 06:28 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn View Post
You must be aiming for the Guiness Book of Records! More amazing poems.
Why not? Thanks!

Quote:
Sorry to see 'kvetch' go - and what's a 'foetor'?
In "Shall I Compare" I replaced "kvetch" with "whine" because of something Zita said. But I'll put "kvetch" back in (though "whine" is assonant with "lightest"). The new ending, however, is more consistent with the tone, so at least I know I like that part better.

"Foetor" (or fetor) means "a strong, foul smell." But I think I'll change it to "odor" (or odour). That should make it clear enough and it has a nice assonance with "broke" anyway.
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  #153  
Unread 01-28-2010, 01:34 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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'Foetor' isn't in my Webster's or Oxford English Dictionary, strangely, though I found it in my Collins Concise one. I'd guessed it was linked to the adjective 'foetid' but it was new to me as a noun.

Here's my 2nd attempt (3rd one still being tweaked):

Unwed, unpoor - that's why I'm undepressed!
But what does get me down is constant rain,
as I'm a landscape gardener, and the strain
of daytime telly's just too much. A nest
of blackbirds, though, makes me feel truly blest,
(compared with watching 'Jezza' Kyle. The chain
of chumps and chavs he talks to, numbs my brain.)
When dreadful weather forces me to rest
instead of work, I watch old films; I'll blast
through several on wet days, like Star Wars, Wilt,
Shawshank Redemption, Independence Day.
I wasn't rich - or single - till I built
a reputation. Now the storm is past,
there's my assistant, and some turf, to lay.

I'm a bit concerned about 'gardener' as in the UK we tend to say it as 'gard-ner', rather than as three syllables, so I could just add 'and', I suppose.

In case you're not aware, 'Jezza' is Jeremy Kyle, who hosts a morning show for the most appalling 'low-lifes' (aka chavs), who 'wash their dirty linen in public'. The usual highlight of his shows are the results of DNA tests - it is TV at its very worst, believe me!

Last edited by Jayne Osborn; 01-28-2010 at 04:47 PM. Reason: Put 'and' in line 3, and a comma in place of a semi-colon
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  #154  
Unread 01-28-2010, 03:55 PM
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Zita Zenda Zita Zenda is offline
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Thank you Martin!

It was fun to turn one out, and I didn’t dare try another. But you won’t stop!

Yes yes! ‘kvetch’ must stay! Did I say it mustn’t?? It was the ending that didn’t ‘match’, and still feels weak compared to the rest.

What is it ‘we’ve built’? And ‘your woes’ would work better than ‘earth’s woes’ in terms of ‘her kvetching’. Earth has no woes, within this poem at least.

Something like this, maybe…

Your sour moans will ruin what we’ve built
between us, making love. So best get past
the imperfection… let us sing... a lay!
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  #155  
Unread 01-28-2010, 04:35 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn View Post
'Foetor' isn't in my Webster's or Oxford English Dictionary, strangely, though I found it in my Collins Concise one. I'd guessed it was linked to the adjective 'foetid' but it was new to me as a noun.

Here's my 2nd attempt (3rd one still being tweaked):

Unwed, unpoor - that's why I'm undepressed!
But what does get me down is constant rain,
as I'm a landscape gardener; the strain
of daytime telly's just too much. A nest
of blackbirds, though, makes me feel truly blest,
(compared with watching 'Jezza' Kyle. The chain
of chumps and chavs he talks to, numbs my brain.)
When dreadful weather forces me to rest
instead of work, I watch old films; I'll blast
through several on wet days, like Star Wars, Wilt,
Shawshank Redemption, Independence Day.
I wasn't rich - or single - till I built
a reputation. Now the storm is past,
there's my assistant, and some turf, to lay.

I'm a bit concerned about 'gardener' as in the UK we tend to say it as 'gard-ner', rather than as three syllables, so I could just add 'and', I suppose.

In case you're not aware, 'Jezza' is Jeremy Kyle, who hosts a morning show for the most appalling 'low-lifes' (aka chavs), who 'wash their dirty linen in public'. The usual highlight of his shows are the results of DNA tests - it is TV at its very worst, believe me!
Jayne - This is great! I love it. I think "and" after gardener would work fine. It's a continuation of the thought so you wouldn't need the semicolon.
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  #156  
Unread 01-28-2010, 04:39 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zita Zenda View Post
Thank you Martin!

It was fun to turn one out, and I didn’t dare try another. But you won’t stop!

Yes yes! ‘kvetch’ must stay! Did I say it mustn’t?? It was the ending that didn’t ‘match’, and still feels weak compared to the rest.

What is it ‘we’ve built’? And ‘your woes’ would work better than ‘earth’s woes’ in terms of ‘her kvetching’. Earth has no woes, within this poem at least.

Something like this, maybe…

Your sour moans will ruin what we’ve built
between us, making love. So best get past
the imperfection… let us sing... a lay!
Zita - Thanks for your thoughts. I think your one poem is better than any of my many attempts!

I like your suggestion for the last three lines. I've rewritten them in my own way, mixed with some of your phrases, too. Thanks!

I guess I was confused about your feelings regarding "kvetch." It's going to stay in! Yes, it was the end that was weak. Hopefully it's better now.

Martin
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  #157  
Unread 01-28-2010, 04:47 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Here is the poem again with the last three lines revised in accordance with Zita's suggestions.

Shall I compare you to the undepressed?
You kvetch about the lightest drizzling rain
as if each drop were equal to the strain
of being stung by an entire nest
of hornets. It appears you don’t feel blest
by birds or blossoms. There must be a chain
binding the serotonin in your brain,
unmoved by stars, by love, and all the rest
that give the undepressed an utter blast.
Were you a violet, you would surely wilt
from a single drop of sunlight in a day.
Your moans will smash the fragile thing we’ve built
between us, all the warmth. So best get past
this limitation — let us sing — a lay!

Last edited by Martin Elster; 01-28-2010 at 04:54 PM.
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  #158  
Unread 03-05-2010, 09:13 AM
Charles Albert Charles Albert is offline
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I'm guess the guy who thinks of what he should have said two hours after the last guest has gone home--a month after the competition and I finally have an entry cobbled together, inspired by a chance word from John.

Probably still doesn't scan well enough but I'll excise it from my to-do list by posting here...


The bomber's detonator, undepressed,
just shatters, harmless, in the bullet rain.
His torso, twisting in the shrapnel's strain
falls to the pavement from their routed nest.
Partisans cheer and shout that they are blest.
Just in time, they broke the traitor's chain,
taken down the footmen and the brain,
and head back home to what they think is rest.

But next week brings more deaths, another blast--
their market freedoms haven't ceased to wilt.
And they will grow more fearful every day--
not for the ruins on which their future's built,
but for vendettas, rising from the past
and ghosts who well up where the victims lay.

Last edited by Charles Albert; 03-05-2010 at 09:16 AM.
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  #159  
Unread 03-05-2010, 01:02 PM
John Whitworth's Avatar
John Whitworth John Whitworth is offline
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I reckon it scans fine but I can't work out the grmmar of line 7. How does it work? What i the subject of 'taken down'? It could well be me.
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