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Old 11-22-2017, 03:00 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,577

Thank you Aaron and John. I think you're right. This version is best. I don't know if there is a name for it but I like how the rhyme becomes a little cloudy in the middle and reemerges at the end.

I've received a great deal of help on this one. Thanks to everyone who commented.

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Old 11-23-2017, 08:29 AM
Daniel Kemper's Avatar
Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: California
Posts: 446

Sorry not to have more detailed crit at the moment; however, I'd like to point out one line for special mention

"The night was joy, with no mooring post."

Something about that line strikes a deep, pure note that is really worth savor. Keep on this one, each successive revision keeps gathering strength~
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Old 11-23-2017, 09:58 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,577

I'm glad you like that line, Daniel. Thanks for taking the time to read.

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Old 12-05-2017, 07:08 PM
Johanna D. Johanna D. is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Posts: 67

Hello John Riley,

I enjoyed watching your poem progress; the result
is beautiful in sound and imagery.

My grammar police tell me there is a comma missing
in the final line after came, but no one else seems to miss it.
Actually, it's not so much grammar but more the mood of the
poem. And on second thought, it's better as is because it's as if
the N has just stepped out of his reflective mood and must now
get on to business so no time for a comma.

Best wishes,
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