Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 04-16-2018, 03:25 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,327
Default

Yes, that's good. I might try "limitless horizon"--a paradox. Hmn.

Maybe I should give up on the Latinate adjectives and go for "spic-and-span" or something:

"a spic-and-span horizon"

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 04-16-2018 at 03:35 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 04-16-2018, 05:15 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: England
Posts: 1,691
Default

Hi Aaron,

Just throwing my tuppence into the interesting 'horizon' discussion. When a horizon is completely unbroken and flat, as on the ocean for example, it's possible to see the curve of the earth. I wonder if:

'whose cock surveys a curved and (something) horizon'

might give a nice image along with some alliterative sonics. Bleak? Cursed?
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 04-16-2018, 08:43 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,327
Default

Thank you, Mark. I like the image of the earth-curvature at the edges of it. I tried to find some effective way of convey it and only ended up heaping adjectives on the problem. I have settled on "prison of horizon" Thus, the image is a paradox filtered through the speaker's perspective.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:25 AM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 7,525
Default

Hi Aaron,

I do like this, but "subsuming" is a word to avoid. And "alluvium". Despite the locale having the name of the great biologist, the diction at those two points kind of undercuts the narrator, I think.

I can't think of a poem in which "subsuming" wouldn't bother me....

RM
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:26 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,301
Default

I hitchhiked across North Dakota once, and I've never seen anything flatter. But "prison" seems to me to mix metaphors a bit -- the cock surveying a prison, the prison as "ho-hum" rather than claustrophobic, which implies anxiety more than boredom.

Would "whose cock-panopticon scans the horizon" work? I remember you used "panopticon" in a poem a ways back, and to me that gets the feeling of boredom and being trapped.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:33 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 2,307
Default

The panopticon was IIRC specifically Bentham's design idea for a prison.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:49 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,301
Default

Yes, that's what I remember too John. I'm just thinking out loud in my post, as I associate the panopticon not only with prison but with the detached all-seeing eyeball, like Sauron in the Tolkien trilogy. For me it adds a creepiness to the omnipresent horizon. Also, cock as prison guard puts a different emphasis on it. "Surveys" alone is a bit bland, "prison of horizon" seems a stretch, and Aaron has been trying to get that line right, hence my thought.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 04-16-2018, 12:43 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,327
Default

Thank you, all, for your comments. I think I had been approaching the qualifier for “horizon” in the wrong way. I have already established in the poem “the treeless plain,” so I need to do something further with the “horizon” image than just describe than setting again. I need to convey the subjective impression of that “horizon” on the speaker. That I why I think the paradoxical “prison of horizon” works best. It sounds real good and conveys the speaker’s sense of being trapped by the openness.

Andrew, I am always happy to think about the panopticon but I can’t make the word work in any formulation that is satisfying to me.

Rick, it is the “anti-poetic” nature of “alluvium” and especially “subsuming” that draws me to them. If we are to keep poetry living, we need to regard everything in the dictionary as potentially poetic, even Latinate clunkers like “subsuming.” It’s far more interesting than “featuring” and “enclosing,” I think.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 04-16-2018, 02:52 PM
Johanna D. Johanna D. is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Posts: 72
Default

Flatline of horizon? Pretty obvious, I know, but would convey
the N's feelings at the time with its contemporary definition. Just a suggestion amid the many. Good poem.

Johanna
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:08 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,157
Default

Aaron:

I do think my poem does something Larkin's does not--it acknowledges that the boring place where I was reared defined my life.

And

If we are to keep poetry living, we need to regard everything in the dictionary as potentially poetic, even Latinate clunkers like “subsuming.” It’s far more interesting than “featuring” and “enclosing,” I think.


This is what I like so much about your persona and your poetry -- Your earned arrogance, innate audacity and the truthfulness of your thoughts and exchanges.
x

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 04-17-2018 at 02:40 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,871
Total Threads: 19,347
Total Posts: 251,305
There are 173 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online