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Unread 09-27-2019, 10:33 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,328
Default Faster, Faster!

Faster, Faster!

A mad dash down the stories, flight by flight,
and you have just begun to pant, to sweat.
Out on the street the darkest New York night
for years is going on. Star-clusters lend
a rural twinkling, and a bum has set
the contents of a garbage-can alight,
and you can just discern your giant friend
the Visionary vanishing. A pack
of thugs is dragging him into a black
Humvee. They squeal away past Chelsea Park.

You rip a Citi Bike out of its base
and take off after taillights through the dark
streets southward. Pumping at an all-out pace,
your naked soles go raw by 20th.
By 16th you are almost out of breath,
but on you pedal, butt high off the seat,
and then at last the twin red lights start burning
brightly. The outsized jeep is slowing, turning
west toward the Hudson on 11th Street.

The taillights darken at the riverside.
You ditch the bike and dash on bloody feet
just near enough to see them drag the seer
into a creaking warehouse on a pier.
Though in your underwear, you have your pride
to push you onward. You canít let your friend
be murdered, you canít let the known world end.
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Unread 09-27-2019, 12:17 PM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 4,506

"Though in your underwear, you have your pride ". Always!
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Unread 09-28-2019, 04:30 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 4,898

Are sweatpants underwear?

I've been trying to remember where I recall a situation like this; I think it's in Marathon Man where the protagonist feels less vulnerable when he gets his pyjamas on, while acknowledging that, in the great scheme of things, this is not going to be much help. I mention it because I felt relieved on your protagonist's behalf (when you mentioned it in the previous extract) that he had managed a similar act of safety.

Last edited by Ann Drysdale; 09-28-2019 at 09:51 AM.
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Unread 09-30-2019, 01:51 PM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Sunnyvale, CA
Posts: 1,588

Skillfully done. A good amount of experienceable detail without getting in the way of the brisk pace. Leaves this reader eager for the next section.
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Unread 10-02-2019, 06:34 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,952

Hi Aaron,

Ripping yarns! The usual pace and brio - I like the closing rhyme - but I'd missed the N being separated from the seer, so was surprised to see the chase that ensues. Also, do you need quite as many abrupt enjambments as you have here?
Anyway, the story proceeds apace.

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