[John Whitworth]

Competition: Mr Jingle
SATURDAY, 30TH OCTOBER 2010
Lucy Vickery presents this week's competition

In Competition No. 2670 you were invited to catapult Mr Jingle into the 21st century and have him deliver an anecdote.

Alfred Jingle, the lean, green-coated stranger, makes his first appearance in Chapter Two of The Pickwick Papers and immediately steals the show with his ‘lengthened string of ...broken sentences, delivered with extraordinary volubility...’ You captured him at his exhilarating and life-enhancing best, having him expound on, among much else, the joys of modern travel, the political and economic landscape, and the hell of out-of-town superstores (‘exhausted — very’.) As one competitor wrote: ‘Hoorah for Mr Jingle! Does any other character come zinging so instantly off the page?’ John O’Byrne, Susan Therkelsen and Adrian Fry impressed, but didn’t quite make it into my top five, who are printed below and rewarded with £30 apiece. Top of the form overall is Basil Ransome-Davies, who gets the bonus fiver.

Mr Jingle settled to delivering his tale in accents of benign discovery. ‘Novelty of it — bank provides hole in wall — stick ticket in, get money out — going on all day — queuing up, pressing buttons, nothing to it — fellow told me all a Japanese invention — can’t answer for that, but ingenious, yes — quick, automatic, no-nonsense — receipt if you wish — but thing is, must have ticket — involves folderol, signatures — perish thought — banks heartless, inquiring creatures — shudder to think — however, watching and waiting noticed some customers distracted, forgetful — take back ticket, leave money in slot — oh careless people — opportunity not to be disregarded — omnium contra omnes – why should not Jingle benefit? — missed chances frequent cause of regret — legerdemain — no hue and cry — repaired to chop house — no disputing money aids digestion — cabinet pudding — port — satisfaction of purse and belly — all-round benevolence — highly improving — stops a fellow getting selfish.’
Basil Ransome-Davies

Much travelling, sir? — Enjoy flying? — Up here, above the clouds, comfortable, very. — Not convinced? — Try a coach and horses to Ipswich, outside seat. — Hundreds of flights, myself — escaping from creditors, pressing — elopements, frequently — coincidence, all heiresses — avoiding their relatives. — Alfred Jingle, at your service — actor — not know me? — walk-on parts, several — rave notices —fighting off the ladies — even at airport. — One occasion, security check — removed belt, no braces — went through arch contraption — triggered alarm — Jingle and bells, no surprise ha! ha! — body search — hands up — AJ thin, as a rake — pants generously cut — gravity chap, Newton, spot on — around ankles — sensational entrance — full house — admiring glances, lots. — Glass of wine, steward, red. — No charge? — In that case, one for my friend. — Five hours to go, sir? — Other stories — time for them all — example, catchy tunes for advertisements — named after me.
Derek Morgan

Few years ago — tragic tale — Mister Dickens, novelist, prolific — sitting at pc — trying to finish Drood — film rights — no inspiration — reads emails — spam, prolific — all urge to buy Viagra — insist Mr Dickens needful of Viagra — insulted, greatly — computer flung from window — struck fat boy below — obese, very — national problem — Mister Jamie Oliver — social engineering — useless — fat rascal not fast enough — dodger not very artful — battered — claiming compensation — computer smashed on pavement — parts radio-active — mildly — Dickens arrested — charged — pollution of environment — endangering ozone — litter — fly-tipping — common assault — Old Bailey — guilty — four years — Belmarsh, not Marshalsea — cellmate another writer — Milord Archer— reads own novels to Dickens — wants to give him a few tips — two pages — quite enough, sir!— Dickens hangs self — Drood never finished — shocking, shocking!
Brian Murdoch

Most kind of you, sir — ice, no lemon — lemon neutralises the tonic — medicinal benefit lost — a fact too little known, sir — cousin has quinine farm —foothills of Himalayas — went over last year — magnificent setting — Everest a challenge — Sherpa guide, Seng-
Tzin — human ox — forearms like oak beams — formidable woman — tossed me over a crevasse as if putting the shot — weather harsh — cold — very — eyeballs frozen over — sneezes shrapnel — test of endurance — not found wanting — descended via glacier — base melting — convinced me of global
warming, sir — sheer cascade down valley — Seng-Tzin lost footing — over the edge — down like sack of logs — never a cry — swept off by torrent — gone — vanished — body probably still bobbing down Ganges somewhere — distressing, very — memories well up — I shall not say no, sir — same again, if I may — must support family business!
W.J. Webster

Arrived here suddenly — surprised — very. Confused to begin with — naturally. But now quite at home — all arrangements — admirable. Poor laws in particular — capital, sir — framed with me in mind —assuredly. Your politicians — splendid men. That prime minister you had — not the Scotsman — miserable fellow, dour — no, other one — kindred spirits him and I. Wonderful thing, persuasion, sir — past master — inspired no end of confidence — key to everything — once you gain men’s confidence —nothing they won’t do for you, nowhere they won’t go. Reminds me — go — appointment, sir — talents — opening — financial venture — Nigeria. Only problem — capital — bill should do it — year or two ago — need not have troubled you but trust me — copper-bottomed — can’t go wrong. You will not regret it, sir.
J.R. Johnson

[Marion Shore]

Yay, Bazza! (What do you do with all those fivers?)

There's that pesky Webster guy again!