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Old 10-09-2018, 07:31 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is online now
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Default Shalimar

x
Shalimar


"I don’t dance"
I said.
But she persisted:

“Come on! Get up!”
She pleaded,
“Come on! Just one!

She said I was a looker.
So I said,
“Alright. One.”

“Let’s keep dancing"
she whispered,
"Until we sweat.”

She said
she didn’t care to see me dance,
she only wanted to see me work.

Later, when we cocooned ourselves
in her blue Subaru in the park,
she perfumed her neck,
said she liked the slipperiness
of my skin and the feel of our wet clothes
clinging as we peeled them from each other
to let our flesh shine like water does in the dark.


Edits
S6L1: changed "Later, when we cocooned" to "Later, when we ensconced ourselves"-- then back to "cocooned" at J.B.'s behest.
S2L2: changed "She said," to "She pleaded,"
S5: flipped lines 1 and 2
S2L3: deleted italics from the words "Come" and "Just" to promote emphasis on the words "on" and "one"
x
x

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 10-15-2018 at 08:10 AM.
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Old 10-09-2018, 07:21 PM
J.B. Marshall J.B. Marshall is offline
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Default Shalimar

Ooh la la!
It is hard to write an interesting poem that is also erotic - but this works.
A few suggestions:

The portrait of the woman is appealing in the last lines, but her dialogue with you comes off as brusque.

Come on! Get up!

I can't quite connect her with the woman who perfumes her neck in the Subaru.

I preferred "cocooned" to "ensconced." "Cocooned" sounds less formal - just right for a Subaru. "Ensconced" sounds more like a limousine.

In L15
She only wanted to see me work.

If you change "work" to "sweat," then that would connect the poem to the last 4 lines which are wonderful.
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Old 10-09-2018, 07:46 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Ooh la la, indeed!

Jim,
I would simply leave out these three lines:

She didnít care to see me dance,
she said.
She only wanted to see me work.


I'd also suggest omitting ''does'' from the last line:

to let our flesh shine like water in the dark.

(I know it sounds daft, but on my first reading I wondered what kind of creature a ''water doe'' is! OK, it is 1.45a.m. and I need my bed... that's my excuse )

Jayne
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:35 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I was always more of a Vol de Nuit woman, myself.

In case that sounds utterly ridiculous, I was wafted there from your title, Shalimar, which I took to be the perfume (Guerlain) that the lady in the case sprayed on her neck in the Subaru. Very heavy, very musky and does surprising things when mingled with perspiration.

I am not sure whether I agree with Jayne about the lines

She didnít care to see me dance,
she said.
She only wanted to see me work.

I took them to be an indication that this modern Mumtaz had been testing the N for stamina and flexibility with a view to a later kill, if I may use a hunting metaphor.

I do agree, though, with her suggested change to the last line but if you are fond of the syllabic fall of the line as it is, perhaps change "like" to "as"?

That last line is hugely important because it is the moment preceding the consummation that is left undescribed but not, I assure you, lost on the reader, who must supply it as a response to a genuinely, unembarrassingly, erotic poem. A natural conclusion, like water. Unstoppable.

So I give it another Oo-la-la, whether or not I am right about the perfume.

Now, as L'Osborn to her bed (did she dream well?) I retreat to my Vol de Nuit (a balance, says the Parfumier, of woody and cold).
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Old 10-10-2018, 04:45 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Quote:
I was always more of a Vol de Nuit woman, myself.
I was a Moondrops woman, Annie, but Revlon cosmetics were cheaper, if I remember correctly. I'm amazed you can still get it... though I've moved up-market since those days!

I also took Shalimar to be the name of the perfume, as I couldn't make any other connection to the poem, but I think it's perfect. (The title, that is, not the perfume.)

The poem is sensuous, but not smutty, and I like the direct speech; I just feel there's something not quite right about those three lines of reported speech, which is the weaker part of the poem, for me. Is there perhaps another way of hinting what her intentions might be?

...and it was J.B. who wanted ''cocooned'' back, Jim, though I agree that it's less business-like than ''ensconced".

Jayne
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Old 10-10-2018, 07:53 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is online now
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I’m so relieved it is working for you J.B., Jayne, Ann. It was an odd poem to come out at this point in my life but there it was.

Yes, Shalimar the perfume. Though this is something of a composite of memories, the perfume has always stuck with me because she asked for it as a present (and it was expensive) and she always wore it. It became synonymous with lust in my libido : )

J.B., thanks for steering me back to “cocoon”. It was a cozy car.

I’m not sure of the dialog. To the best of my recollection I’m quoting her verbatim. I always needed to be begged before I would consent to dancing (still do). “She” would plead with me in a voice that was nearly desperate. I wish I could capture the sound of her pleading but the italics is the best I can do. Actually, she would need to say it a few more times than I’ve indicated here before I would give in.
.
“Sweat” for “work” might work…

Jayne: I wondered what kind of creature a ''water doe'' is!

Well, she was something of a siren in a blue Subaru (It was long ago. I did love her. She was fiery and Italian : )

I’m thinking about the last line. I do like the sound of “does/dark”

Ann, I wouldn’t know another perfume if someone hit me over the nose with it : ). Only Shalimar stands out in my olfactory erotic zone.

These lines:

She didn’t care to see me dance,
she said.
She only wanted to see me work.


Were meant to evoke exactly what you derived from them. A kind of animal/instinctual sizing up of my physical "condition” as it were. Imagine me, a beast of burden! I guess I passed the test. She clearly had a low bar : )
I want the whole poem to have an undercurrent of physical, sensual pursuit of pleasure. I am going to look for another way of phrasing those lines, though.

I had "Water" as the original title but Shalimar was more specific.
x
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Old 10-12-2018, 07:08 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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I like this. I too hung up on the lines Jayne mentioned but when I was finished reading they didn't bother as much. That is the only place I'd consider. Enjoyed.
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