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  #31  
Old 07-17-2018, 01:44 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I prefer this version of the ending, but I think I prefer longer lines.
Here are the O'Jays singing For the Love of Money, with "Mean green" repeated in every chorus:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll3uipTO-4A

Cheers,
John
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  #32  
Old 07-17-2018, 03:34 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you for the music, John. I think I might be favoring the dimeter lineation (Post #30)--that way there is more focus on individual phrases. Hmn.
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  #33  
Old 07-18-2018, 07:48 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Still working on this. I have revised stanza 2 from

Yuck: it has scissored
its legs now, grinned,
and, nude as a lizard,
lizard-skinned,
swiveled its shorn
and genderless crotch
my way. Such porn
is hard to watch

to

Now it has scissored
its kickers, grinned,
and, nude as a lizard,
lizard-skinned,
swiveled its shorn
and genderless crotch
my way. Such porn
is hard to watch
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  #34  
Old 07-20-2018, 09:47 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I read this and am irresistibly reminded of the demented flash videos my friends and I used to watch back in the days of dial-up internet when everyone was more easily amused. Bizarre, inexplicable and yet oddly innocent.

I prefer the original to the later drafts, mainly because of the ending. The repetition of ‘green’ doesn’t do it for me. ‘Green’ is just a non-answer, but I like the suggestion in the original that the writher is the answer - and what on earth was the question? It preemptively derails any attempt to find meaning in it and leaves you in a rather strange place.
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  #35  
Old 07-20-2018, 10:46 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, Mr. Sterling,

I am glad that the poem "irresistibly" evoked something for you.

I will go back tonight and look at the original ending. I am fond of the new third stanza but the ending still might change. Thanks for prompting me to keep on looking at the ending.

Best,

Aaron

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-21-2018 at 03:19 AM.
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  #36  
Old 07-21-2018, 03:17 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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At Mr. Sterling's encouragement, I have gone back to something like the original ending:

From

The saurian dancer
flashes green
green, green,
in answer:
green, green,
green
.

to

My only answer:
sexless sex
and a saurian dancer.

. . . . .

[Wait--here's the best of both endings:

The saurian dancer
flashes green,
green, green
in answer:
green, green,
green

and sexless sex.

]

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-21-2018 at 04:34 AM.
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  #37  
Old 07-21-2018, 07:41 AM
Claudia Gary's Avatar
Claudia Gary Claudia Gary is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I’ve arrived late at this party, and saw the latest version first. Although I may have more to say later, my main response is to wish there were a rhyme at the end. Without one, it answers nothing.

Claudia
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  #38  
Old 07-21-2018, 09:06 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Claudia. I want there to be no answer at the end.
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