[Allen Tice]

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,,,Spoken at the Square Dance

W h e r e h o w n o w h a t
H e r e h i s h o w h a t s
E r e w h o s e w h a t h e
R e a l l y a n o n o s h e
E g o t h a w h a t h e r e
H o w n o w h a t h e r e s
A w h e a r e w a s h y h i
P s h a w h u t h y e g o s
N o w e a c h e h e h o w h
O t h a t h e y s a y w h o
W o o d i d w e l l w h e n
H i m h e r y u p h w æ t s
E g o t h a t s o g r e a t
N o t h e m s o h o w h o s


I posted a very different version of this before, and wonder what anyone makes of it now.


Changes:
L7: "A w h e a r e w a s h y h i” was “A w h e r l e t h e r o h i" was "A w h e r f a t h e r o h i" was "A w h i c h a t h a r o h i"
L12: “H i m h e r y u p h w æ t s“ was “H i m h e r y a y h w æ t s“
x

[Jane Crowson]

Hi,

Oooh, that's fun, and clever. I like it - the snatched bits of conversation at a particular form of a country dance.

The way you've created the pattern reads consistently to me, so apart from the snatches of words (which recreate snatches of gossip as people try to talk to each other whilst swapping partners), you also have other words for the reader to choose to unpick (or not).

'ego' is one, and I think 'Pshaw' another - both very valid descriptions of what people might be thinking at dances, or muttering to themselves. I like 'no them', 'wood', 'dwell' and 'thats great'.

Formatively, 'chat' is hidden in the middle, which seems a bit obvious.

I wonder if it might be worth adding just one more surreal phrase to get people thinking in the middle of it. Substituting chat' for something a little bit more interesting?


But I do really like this.

Sarah-Jane

[Allen Tice]

Thank you. I was afraid we’d never have a meeting of minds beyond banging heads, which I’d like to avoid, given your avatar’s horns. There’s possibly something that I can do about “chat”. I’d thought of a pharaoh, but someone would almost surely say tut, tut. Don’t want that! If I can think of something easy and a cliche, I will stand down.

[Allen Tice]

Change to line seven.

[Allen Tice]

Tentative change to L12.

[Jane Crowson]

Hi,

I like the change to line 7 - that works much better for me - it also brings in a character to this, a glimpsed 'father' which lets me imagine whether they're approving/disapproving etc - a kind of strange almost back-story.

I think your L12 worked anyway, and the new one works too. I love the way that this kind of poem, though seemingly a game - seemingly simple - can contain many interesting things.

My horns are modestly covered with a small raincloud. I might swap that later for something more Spring-like.

I don't want to lock horns either - although I don't mind disagreements, tbh. They're better than an echo chamber (and I am sensible enough not to take things personally - I'm not an academic but I've worked long enough in the fringes of that world to know the value of different perspectives - I hope, anyway)

Sarah-Jane

[Allen Tice]

This is tricky, however we in New Yawk have a phrase, “Thin is in, but fat is where it’s at.” Takes all kinds to make a good world.

[David Callin]

Ah. Another hwæt. I'll look more closely at this.

Dævid

[Jane Crowson]

I'm reading hwæt as a kind of phonic noise ( an open ended sound, perfect for the kind of throat-clearing noises that square-dancing entails, I'd have thought).

I wasn't reading it as an allusion to Anglo-Saxon. Although that might fit with the type of dance.

Again, the simple-seeming structure, the complex possibilities. Oof.

Sarah-Jane

[Allen Tice]

But why the horns? It may be atavistic, yet individuals with horns generally fail to inspire me with confidence. I would never wear horns no matter how I felt. Even home grown horns. Your choice. You should know that though.