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  #1  
Unread 02-15-2019, 07:22 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Default Mater Miseriae

REVISION 2

Here in the age of fragile skin,
the slightest knock and wounds begin
to bleed into finality.

Here, I mourn the living dead,
killed by what Iíve done or said.
The blood and friends now lost to me.

I count my blessings on a single hand
as forgiveness lives in a foreign land
I am consumed by misery.

S1 L2 reverted to the original
S3 L2 changed to as forgiveness lives in

REVISION 1

Here in the age of fragile skin
the slightest of knocks and wounds begin
to bleed into finality.

Here, I mourn the living dead,
killed by what Iíve done or said.
The blood and friends now lost to me.

I count my blessings on a single hand,
The state of joy is a foreign land
I am consumed by misery.


ORIGINAL
Here in the age of fragile skin
the slightest knock and wounds begin
to show the start of death for me.

Here, I mourn the living dead,
killed by what Iíve done or said.
The blood and friends now lost to me.

I count my blessings on a single hand,
a glass, half-full, I cannot understand.
I am consumed by misery.


I think my Latin is correct but I am very rusty.

original line

a half-full glass I cannot understand.

Last edited by Jan Iwaszkiewicz; 02-22-2019 at 12:26 PM.
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Unread 02-15-2019, 08:13 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Lovely. I do wonder about the increased syllable count in the last verse.
Mater misericordiae; mother of mercy, not misery!

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Unread 02-15-2019, 08:23 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Mater Miseriae in my mainly forgotten Latin John I thought was Mother of Misery, it is a play on the Misericordiae and is an accurate description of this inmate of a nursing home. May one of our classicists weigh in.

Yes the stresses vary a bit but they add to the feel of N's voice when spoken out loud.

Regards and thanks,

Jan

Last edited by Jan Iwaszkiewicz; 02-15-2019 at 08:28 AM.
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Unread 02-15-2019, 08:29 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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I like this a lot, Jan. Not much to complain about, but may I suggest that the half-filled glass is awkward after the hand? It occurred to me that "an abacus I cannot understand" might sound good there, since it refers back to the body.

Best,

Andrew
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  #5  
Unread 02-15-2019, 08:33 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Thanks Andrew,

Perhaps:

A glass, half-full...

Regards,

Jan
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Unread 02-15-2019, 08:36 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Yes, that would be better. What throws me off is the mixing of metaphors, counting blessings on a hand and then the well-worn glass-half-full or half-empty trope.
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Unread 02-15-2019, 08:44 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
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Hi Jan,

Yes, Mater miseriae means what you want.
I continue to like the poem.

Cheers,
John
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  #8  
Unread 02-15-2019, 08:52 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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I don't see it as a mixing of metaphors Andrew more a listing that with the cliche goes to the credit of voice.


Regards,

Jan

Last edited by Jan Iwaszkiewicz; 02-15-2019 at 09:03 AM.
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Unread 02-15-2019, 08:53 AM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Isbell View Post
Hi Jan,

Yes, Mater miseriae means what you want.
I continue to like the poem.

Cheers,
John
Thanks John I consulted Google.

I am glad for the continuance.
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  #10  
Unread 02-15-2019, 09:16 AM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
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I like the way this goes right to its harrowing points. The one spot where the poem feels like it's holding back is "begin/to show the start." That must be intentional, but the two removes from death don't serve the poem.

Are the commas around "half-full" helpful?
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