[Jayne Osborn]

Well... although I'm happy to offer my congratulations to Chris, Brian and Bazza, along with John for an HM, I've just typed out a page of mumbo-jumbo as far as I'm concerned. No offence, guys, but as I've never entered the Twitter zone I haven't a clue what most of this is really about!
And I can't help but interpret I think the notion of tweeting frightened off most competitors. Possibly the Royal Mail also hid a stash of entries. In the event not many got through as: "This was such a crap competition that hardly anyone entered." Hats off to those who did!

Jayne

xxxxxxxxxxxxThe Oldie Competition
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxby Tessa Castro

IN COMPETITION NO 171, having noticed that Victoria Station was now on Twitter, I invited you to sketch a day in the life of this typical railway terminus in not more than six tweets.
I think the notion of tweeting frightened off most competitors. Possibly the Royal Mail also hid a stash of entries. In the event not many got through. John Whitworth wrote regular little stanzas, more haikus than tweets, and much nicer. His early day at Victoria began: ‘An empty train to Dollis Hill / Is trundling off. The air is still. / Two lovers kiss.’
David Shields was also pleasantly lyrical, concluding: ‘Any complaints? Please tweet them now, / We’ll add them to our casebook. / Compliments? Then be the first / To like us – please! – on facebook.’
Katie Mallett’s last tweet of the day (perhaps from Manchester Victoria, considering the mention of Chester) read: ‘Last train in from Chester has body on board. Gentleman dead some two hours. Ambulance, police. Aaargh! We wanna go home.’ But where can you go when you’ve already reached the terminus?
Commiserations to these and any caught in transit, and congratulations to those printed below, each of whom wins £25, with the Victorious bonus prize of a Chamber’s Biographical Dictionary going to Chris O’Carroll for his only too convincing-looking tweets.

As of this morning, @NetworkRailVIC is happy to report that our Twitter followers outnumber our severe travel delays. #positivespin
@concernedmusicfan Passengers who witness security personnel assaulting buskers are requested not to intervene. #showbizisbrutal
If you are here to catch @GatwickExpress, we are contractually obligated to congratulate you on your choice. #heathrowsux
@50shadesofrage Sorry @WHSmithcouk does not stock your pornography of choice. You still have to pay for vandalising the toilets. #submit
@americantourist No, this is not the station where @harrypotter catches the train for @hogwarts. #readthebloodybooks
Although we applaud your commitment to personal hygiene, we regret that showers are no longer available in the station. #putyourclotheson.
Chris O’Carroll

No kip. Noise, vans, all those papers. Bloody flop-outs! Platform 3 deep in Metro by 7. Coffee-slops, croissant crumbs. Wot! no cleaners?
Ouch! Scrubber scouring my face off. Obesity + stilettos = amateur acupuncture. That chewing gum rasper! Can’t wait for Xmas.
Signal failure, Clapham. Croydon cut off. At last! There IS a God! Pigeons his fault, though: filthy ploppers. And burgers. Cigarettes?
Croydon reconnected to civilized world. Delete earlier belief in God. Why, this is Hell nor am I out of it. Coming, going: repeat ad infinitum.
Only Latin-tweeting station in London? Eheu fugaces; abuntur anni. Also a shopping venue! Too grand for :-) The old Queen didn’t do smileys.
Puke somewhere else, losers. Don’t you know what time it is? Some of us get up early. Bet you’re from Croydon. Wait till tomorrow’s signal failure!
D A Prince

9h07. Passengers are advised that the train now standing at Platform 12 has not yet arrived.
10h23. Passengers are advised that the train expected on Platform 12 will be arriving on Platform 7.
10h24. Passengers are advised that Platform 7 is closed for refurbishment until September 2014.
13h46. Passengers are advised that the train announced for Platform 7 will be arriving on Platform 15.
15h51. Passengers are advised that due to snow on all lines into Victoria, the train expected on Platform 15 has been diverted to Waterloo and will depart at 18h37.
18h38. Passengers are advised that anyone who does not have access to Twitter has now missed the train, and should try to negotiate a good deal with a taxi-driver.
Brian Allgar

London Victoria@NetworkRailVIC Trains, trains, trains. Smelly passengers. Drunks. I count them all out and I count them all back, up and down the bloody track.
StephenFry@narcissus001 In my young day we’d have said you’re a poet and you don’t know it. Then, if you’ll excuse my supple wit, everyone knew their station.
London Victoria@NetworkRailVIC Yes, well thanks for nothing. Here! Someone’s dropping litter. A crisp bag. They hire these security muppets and they all disappear.
StephenFry@narcissus001 ‘Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?’ as Juvenal has it, though of course the idea harks back to what Socrates says in Plato’s Republic.
London Victoria@NetworkRailVIC Yeah, right. Tell you what. I used to have the Golden Arrow, classic boat train. And a news and cartoon theatre. It’s all franchises now.
London Victoria@NetworkRailVIC. The Twittersphere’s gone quiet. Am I glad or sorry? Nah, just resigned. Same old same old, being the still centre of a turning world.
Basil Ransome-Davies

[Chris O'Carroll]

Thank you, Jayne. I don't have and don't want a Twitter account, but I do have sons and daughters-in-law who pass along a few tips to help me pose as a denizen of the 21st century. If this was a crap competition that kept many at bay, so much the better for me. I've lost with better entries.

[John Whitworth]

Ah, I see I was too good to win, though I don't see why.

[basil ransome-davies]

I spit on Twitter, would rather stick needles in my eyes than join the Twitterati. But remember – Google sees all, knows all. With Google everyone's a quick study. It's not hard to get the drift after a few searches. The days when you had to spend hours in a library (remember them?) hunting through dead tree stuff to mug up for a comp. outside your field of knowledge are long gone.

[Brian Allgar]

Jayne, I know no more about Twitter than you do, and certainly don't begin to understand the purpose of all those authentic-looking symbols used by Chris and Bazza. I simply assumed that a number of statements each containing not more than 140 characters would meet the requirement, and so it proved, although perhaps with the addition of a few runes or hieroglyphics, the dictionary might have been mine.

[Jayne Osborn]

I'm with Bazza regarding Twitter, and would rather take out my own appendix with a spoon.

Actually, Brian, (no offence to the others) but yours did make some sense to me but I don't get all this @ and # stuff. The whole business just seems so pointless to me -- and where do people find the time for all this inane Twittering? I struggle to keep up to date with emails, phone calls, texts and WhatsApp! The latter is very good for instant contact with family and friends abroad, though. (I haven't yet got to grips with Skype.)

Jayne

[Chris O'Carroll]

Everybody’s Twitter name starts with @. Jayne, you might tweet as @jayneo, @josborne, @BlondeRhymer, and so on. Any tweet -- from you or anybody else -- that mentioned you would use that designation.

The # symbol, called “hashtag” in Twitterspeak, designates a category. As I understand it, appending a hashtag to your tweet cause it to be archived in some data base with all the other messages in that category. Somebody with a Twitter account might want to look up all the messages archived at, say, #ilovelondon or #ihatelondon or #shitcameronsays.

My knowledge is pretty rudimentary, so somebody who actually uses a Twitter account might want to correct some of my details.

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks for enlightening me, Chris; I didn't know anything whatsoever about Twitter, with the exception that a tweet can't be more than 140 characters.

I once thought of having a peep at the site to see what it was all about, but you have to sign up for it even to do that (unlike Eratosphere). Needless to say, I shan't be bothering!

Once again, well done to all of you who won this comp despite not being Twitters yourselves

Jayne