[David Callin]

REVISION

Another room, but quite the opposite,
as busy as 60s SciFi set
in which a friendly and obliging crew
in uniforms of deep cerulean blue,
grouped round this alien hardware, slide me in
so that the gentle probing can begin.
Breathe in … breathe out … hold your breath …

continue breathing … planet Earth
seems far away, and Time has lost its place
in all this infinitely narrow space
in which seem I to drift away, cocooned
within these threatening noises, not Marooned.
These creatures come in peace. Calm and benign,
they mean no harm to this old heart of mine.

ORIGINAL

Another room, but quite the opposite,
as busy as a SciFi TV set
in which a friendly and obliging crew
in uniforms of deep cerulean blue,
grouped round this alien hardware, slide me in
so that the gentle probing can begin.
Breathe in … breathe out … hold your breath …

continue breathing … planet Earth
seems far away, and Time has lost its place
in all this infinitely narrow space.
These creatures come in peace. Calm and benign,
they mean no harm to this old heart of mine,
solicitous as all the saints above
whose moving principle, like theirs, is Love.

[RCL]

David,

I'm really happy they weren't wide eyed, wearing pea green and speaking Martian! But I agree the belly of the MRI can be constricting, consuming and scary, especially if it's about our hearts. This works well for me, adds some playful lightness, even Biblical dimension, to the serious event. It seems to be missing a beat in line 1 of S2.

Cheers,

[Joe Crocker]

Enjoying this series of medical memories David. I like the "infinitely narrow space" in the MRI, and the echoes of Major Tom.

My memory of MRI was that it was disturbingly noisy, as if powered by clockwork and steam. I half expected a huge spring to punch its way through the shell at any moment.

The sentiment at the end was lovely but I wondered if it could include a hint of uncertainty eg

"whose principle, like theirs, I hope, is Love."

[Julie Steiner]

I love the little jolt of the imperfect "Earth" rhyme, the eerie off-ness of which clearly signals a transition as clearly as the stanza break.

Perhaps something like

     whose motivation, just like theirs, is Love.

[Andrew Frisardi]

Ah, MRIs. Not a lot of fun, though very useful.

I was half-hoping, reading the thread's title, that the N would be inside an actual beast, like Jonah. There really is a sense of being spit out at the end of those sessions.

Cynical me, I’m skeptical about the last two lines of this poem. Depicting the technicians as saints somehow seems to dehumanize the scene. The Dantesque conclusion of being moved by capital-L love stretches the poem beyond its scope, even with Joe’s suggestion for toning it down. I’d prefer some more down-to-earth way of suggesting their attentiveness.

In S1, “SciFi” could be lowercase “sci-fi.” In line 4 “blue” is redundant after “cerulean.” That line in general could be tighter, as it uses a lot of syllables just to say they were wearing blue uniforms. “Scrubs” is the standard name for those uniforms, at least in U.S. English, so that might be an alternative.

For S2L3, “inside this infinitely narrow space” would eliminate the need for the filler “all.”

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi David,

I have a question about "SciFi TV set." When I grew up where I lived we called televisions "TV sets", so when I first read that phrase in your poem I first thought of the appliance rather than of a crew making a show. Your context quickly put me straight but I did have a little glitch in my reading that wouldn't have happened with "movie set." That phrase "TV set" is not used widely now for the appliance itself and maybe it was not used over a wide area even when I grew up and perhaps not at all in the UK. The phrase "TV set" having a double meaning referring to the appliance does echo though the idea of the N being inside of a machine, which is useful. My question is do/did Brits call televisions TV sets?

All the best,
Jim

[Carl Copeland]

I love this, David: an alien abduction story I can believe. My only suggestion, other than “sci-fi,” is a comma after “above.” In the controversial final couplet, btw, my understanding of the grammar is that “whose” refers to “saints” and “theirs” to the creatures. I think that works, but it tends to discourage Joe’s suggestion: I don’t suppose you’d hope the saints are moved by love.

P.S. Like Jim, I paused a moment to fix the double image from “TV set,” but it didn’t take long enough to bug me.

[David Callin]

Thanks Ralph. Glad you enjoyed it. And glad you enjoyed the scifi aspect.

You are right, strictly speaking, about line 1 of S2 (I don’t really think of it as S2, just as the second half of the poem). I have allowed myself a breath there, and I – perversely – count that towards the number of beats.

Thanks Joe. Glad you’re enjoying the ride. (There is one more stop – poetically speaking. Strictly speaking, I suppose that’s inaccurate.)

Ah, you have your own memories of MRI. Memorable, isn’t it?

I quite like your suggested amendment in the last line, but the reference to Love (daringly capitalised, in a sort of 18th century gesture) is supposed to be to the original setting up of our dear old NHS. That, to me, was an act of love towards a populace by its government. That’s my fanciful take on it, anyway. And we could do with more of such acts. Isn’t that what a government’s supposed to be for? (I know, colour me naïve.)

I like the "infinitely narrow space" too - I had a line in Hamlet in mind there, can you guess which one? - but I can see the force of Andrew's objection to it.

Oh Julie, I'm pleased you liked that jolt. And that's another good suggestion for the last line.

I see your point about the last two lines, Andrew - these people were being paid for doing that they do, and of course they're not saints - but I do think that this is a mental stretch that is possible with a national health service, "free at the point of use", as they say, whereas it may not be in a Pay As You Go system. My mind boggles to consider how much this procedure would have cost if I was paying for it myself. Okay, I would have medical insurance, but what sort of last line would that give me ... "whose moving principle, like theirs, is good health cover". I'll stick with Love, while conceding that it is often imperfect. And with long waiting lists.

Yes, scifi is giving me some problems, as is - as Jim has pointed out - that damn TV set. But I like the association - the etymology, even - of "cerulean", and "cerulean blue" seems to be a commonly used phrase.

Jim, we do, or did, call them TV sets. And that is bothering me. I've been messing with that line right from the start, but somehow TV scifi set doesn't seem any better. I even wondered about "more of a 60s TV scifi set" - is that any better?

Carl, very pleased you like - or even love - this. I agree with you about the comma, and I think you must be right about sci-fi. Your reading of the controversial final couplet is the same as mine, but I agree that the "whose" and "theirs" might cause at least momentary confusion.

Cheers, all, as ever

David

[John Riley]

I think I’ve had that procedure. Captures it well.

[Tony Barnstone]

Liking this one a lot. In the below I would not cap Love. Too Victorian for this moving and contemporary poem. I think you need one more twist here, too. The last 4 lines all say the same thing. Better to set it up like, not like bad aliens on movies, probing, cutting, impregnating with their spawn, these ones….

These creatures come in peace. Calm and benign,
they mean no harm to this old heart of mine,
solicitous as all the saints above
whose moving principle, like theirs, is Love.