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  #11  
Unread 08-19-2019, 09:46 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is online now
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Rather than put in an article before the necklace, Daniel,I'd consider taking out a lot of the other articles in your list of 'little things'. This would also help the lines feel less cluttered without actually reducing the meter to tetrameter (though that is not a bad idea).

Every Little Thing

She treasured every little thing that you
have given her: bird necklace in pale blue
that matched her eyes, the bracelet slipped inside
the box of chocolate treats-- the wine train ride--
and it's not been just things, but moments too:

the breezy balcony, the breathless view,
the kisses deeply planned, yet impromptu
as savored Malbec's were then set aside...
Every little thing.

But savored moments fade, as breezes do,
as fondled treasures fall away into
disuse, as you fall off to sleep beside
her while she skims the latest fashion guide.
She treasures every little thing, but you.
Every little thing.


Maybe the box of chocolate treats needs the article, but a might work better than the.

All in all, the poem is competently done, but it seems as little as the little things it elevates and then dismisses. It seems too local to pack enough punch to me. In a manuscript it might prove a pleasant aside, but no more than that, though I do love the handling of the twist at the end.

Nemo
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  #12  
Unread 08-20-2019, 05:17 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Thank you ALL! Perfect stage to post and perfect, actionable crits. Things hidden in plain site to me. Aaron, Alan, Andrew, Allen- All nailed my trouble in the early lines. I think Susan nailed the fix. (Trying out parentheses with it.)

Aaron, in S2 I'm trying to transition into moments from things and lead into a 'live action' moment as in all S2 was in one room, one (representative) occasion. That's why the as. But it looks like the as read as a 'like' or 'similar to' rather than like a 'while'. Would 'when' work ? Thoughts?

Andrew (&co): pondering breezy, breathless [Cliff House], deeply planned [long desired], savored [smoky]

But what of the parallelisms the 'savored' in S2L1 || S3L1; the 'breezy' in S2L1 || S3L1 (and also the necklace of S1L1 || S3L2). Not they're listed in reverse order b/c of a hoped-for 'undoing' effect. Limited fix I think: But maybe I'm fooling myself with the reverse parallelisms.

--->So I glanced and copied from the responses, then drove five-hundred miles, glanced up and even more good crits. I hope I can do them all justice and respect this morning. I can. But it will take me more than one post.

Hi Ralph- I *think* I want the verb tense change. In the first sections, I'm trying to list all the things one has done for the other in the past. In the last section, I've changed to a statement of condition, of how it is now. It's a continuing action. Not sure if that's totally working with all the other twists and turns.

Hi Erik, dude, thanks for the extended thoughts. Lots to cover. I totally never thought about indenting; that would be a nice touch. Variations on the form were otherwise deliberate play. Meter's somewhat indifferent to me as a qualifier for Rondeaus; here the repetend is three feet long and puts a lot of pressure towards pentameter, so I went with pent. As far as beginning the line with the repetend. That too was just play. It's fascinating; it does take some of the "echo" out to move it, doesn't it? though you still get the recall power. In this poem, I wanted to repeat the first line in its entirety for the last line--except of course that one little word change.

Oh yeah-- impromptu --that did/does actually bug me. gotta go with it for now though. Hope that the momentup forces it to rise. It *is* a flaw and should be noted. Total impact... well it itches.
[monday a.m....]
Jake-- we'll the earlier romance was rickety, though this one's maybe not a relationship at all being bad as it seems. --Of course, I haven't written her perspectivey yet. Could very well be that she knows he thinks that, and it's not nearly what he thinks and she's to bugged to tune out the idea entirely, but to worried about a volitile moment to engage it directly; therefore she distracts herself. Well, none of that is written of course. Just musing. Or pre-writing...-?

I'm not convinced the images are as generic as you say. They're pretty individualized (bird necklace, no rings, wine is malbec not champagne or unnamed gifts hidden inside other gifts, etc. But I glean you are hard for a purpose and indeed, that plus other voices have me detailing better. Not sure this is perfectly read as young love in decline-- it's about disingenous love or preceived disingenous love the whole way through. It didn't change, it's only the time frame: the past recalled by the present though the present isn't mentioned until the end.

As mentioned, the chosen repetend and the re-use of the first line as the last box me into pentameter, but since I've had time to think (the 500 mile return trip), I could maybe use "it's every thing" [It's everything ^ - that you/...] Not sure.

John,

Thank you for your read, your crit and your praise. Please know that I chewed your suggestion and circled round to it a couple times before trying the overhaul of the line that's in place now.

Tues wee hours
-->Nemo-- I composed all the above offline after a few breif glances online. Monday was killer at work- working with your comments-- likely another very different draft coming because of them, but wanted to post this before everything totally got away from me.
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  #13  
Unread 08-21-2019, 09:03 AM
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Nemo,

Your solution is like a great chess move, hidden in plain sight. I really like it. Let's see how it plays in Peoria.

All,
Meantime, I've added a reprise. HER point of view. It'll need some cleaning up, of course...
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  #14  
Unread 08-21-2019, 11:02 AM
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Nemo is every bit as clever as he looks in person.
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  #15  
Unread 08-22-2019, 11:41 PM
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Heh, Allen, I'm sure that's true. Hope the additional piece is worthwhile/makes sense.
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  #16  
Unread 08-23-2019, 05:58 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Daniel,

Currently you have second-person self-address POV in part one (the N is the man addressing himself) and third person POV in part two (the N is an omniscient third party addressing the reader). It might be interesting to have part two mirror part one, and to give each their own voice:

You flip through fashions that were never on
your mind. Is he ignoring you? And now
he's sleeping?--YOU might be awake till dawn!
You couldn't show him much more clearly how

and so on.

Alternatively, you could give us a third-person part one to match the third-person part two. But since a large part of the point seems to be that they're not talking to each other, it seems (to me) more interesting to hear both their voices, and go second-person for both. They don't speak to (or hear) each other, but they speak to us (the reader), or at least, we get to the hear them both.

best,
Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 08-23-2019 at 06:22 AM.
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  #17  
Unread 08-23-2019, 08:11 AM
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Matt, yes: perfect. Until I saw your post, I couldn't wrap my head around starting it with "you", but when I saw it, it clicked! Thank you. Posting the change now.
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  #18  
Unread 08-23-2019, 08:30 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Daniel,

Part two now slips into first person in its second half, which is a bit confusing I think. It's as if the 'I' in the poem is addressing the 'you'. In second person it'd continue:

He tries too hard. What're you supposed to do?
You treasure him, but how he overpays
for life. It's so uncertain, insecure,
not free and bold. Perhaps exaggerated praise
for all that he provides would be the cure.
But then he just withdraws. And now he's gone
to sleep. What did you do? It's nearly dawn.

It did also occur to me that putting both parts into the first person might work well here. Then you have each person directly confiding in -- or appealing to -- the reader, saying the things they can't say to each other. Rather like two monologues addressed to the audience/camera. Though that's not so straightforward with part one, given that two lines end with "you" as a rhyme-word.

best,

Matt
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  #19  
Unread 08-23-2019, 10:03 AM
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I liked it better in the first form. This is just confusing and dissipates the feeling. You’re not writing a play. I think that for the second section that is presumably a time-line update, write an entirely new poem.
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  #20  
Unread 08-25-2019, 06:56 PM
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Allen, you're absolutely right: these are two separate poems. And I did think of them that way, but I did not exactly post them that way. Each could sort of stand alone, but I *think* there's a net effect when they're juxtaposed. Yes, maybe part of a cycle. Or series. Or a Vita Nuova...
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