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  #1  
Unread 02-02-2020, 10:48 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Default Hunting Accident

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Hunter’s Requiem

With every breath it feels
the hole hurtling across
a brown and swaying marsh,
..........the hunter's heart.

With every grasp they know
all that they ever brushed
will ever be left touched,
..........the hunter's hands.

Never will it recall
the shift its dying caused,
now all it saw is gone,
..........the hunter's mind.




Hunting Accident

With every breath it feels
the hole hurtling across
a brown and swaying marsh,
the hunter's heart.

With every grasp they know
all that they ever brushed
will ever be left touched,
the hunter's hands.

Never will it recall
the shift its dying caused,
now all it saw is gone,
the hunter's mind.

Last edited by John Riley; 02-08-2020 at 09:40 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 02-02-2020, 06:53 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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I've never hunted and never will. But I like this very much. The only question I have is, How can the hunter still be moving and alive with a hole in his heart? But I can read it metaphorically.
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  #3  
Unread 02-03-2020, 03:16 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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I read it as the dying seconds. The heart beating its last, the hands flailing, the mind fading. I like it a lot, John.
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  #4  
Unread 02-03-2020, 07:20 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi John, I see this as not one accident in particular, but repeating every time a hunter kills an animal, and both predator and prey are dying. The poem has mystery - I've read it several times without seeing a narrative. I don't think it has a narrative. My favorite line - feels deadly - "the hole hurtling across." I wonder if such a short poem has a few too many abstractions: every/every/all/ever/ever/never/all.
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  #5  
Unread 02-04-2020, 08:35 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Thanks to each for reading. Markís reading is what is intended. A duck hunterís last seconds. It honestly seems simple to me but what do I know?

I appreciate the comments.

Best
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  #6  
Unread 02-04-2020, 03:43 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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It is simple once you get the relation of the opening three lines to the last line of each quatrain. I think a more severe burst punctuation might do the trick, an em-dash or a colon at the end of each third line..

It is a mysterious powerful poem, befitting the last moments of a life of action.

I'm not sure the word accident is working.
Perhaps the more simply direct The Hunter's Requiem for a title?

Nemo
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  #7  
Unread 02-04-2020, 04:08 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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I had the same thought about stronger punctuation. Or perhaps even indenting the fourth line:

With every breath it feels
the hole hurtling across
a brown and swaying marsh,
xxxxthe hunter's heart.

With every grasp they know
all that they ever brushed
will ever be left touched,
Xxxxthe hunter's hands.

Never will it recall
the shift its dying caused,
now all it saw is gone,
xxxxthe hunter's mind.
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  #8  
Unread 02-05-2020, 11:38 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Revision posted

Nemo, thanks for reading. What you say is encouraging and helpful. I wasn't sure what to title it honestly. I knew it needed to carry information. Great suggestion. Thanks again.

Mark, thanks for coming back. I used your suggestion.

Best
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  #9  
Unread 02-07-2020, 01:54 PM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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hunters'? Both the shooter and the shot are permanently stopped. I don't like either title. How about "Mishap"? Hardyesque.
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  #10  
Unread 02-08-2020, 07:51 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Sam, the title is a challenge. One doesn't tend to think of a hunter as a victim.

Thanks
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