Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 12-24-2019, 08:22 AM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 8,123
Default Composition

Revised (stanza 2 rewrite)


Music Theory

In the Inness gallery,
Montclair Art Museum


I dropped that course and never learned to read.
Instead, I found my voice. But never mind.
The angels on a pin sing Let it Bleed,
my seven-angled banjo falls behind.
One day I’ll get around to playing it.

Rilke tells us that the truth is plowed
beneath a pile of facts. Don’t ask me where.
In peer review I know it’s not allowed,
but I plead innocent. I'm getting there,
though not by measuring or weighing it.

A tower of cognizance must bow to spirit.
The Belshazzar Museum sets a day
aside for Ellington. If you get near it,
you'll be shown that we must find a way
of saying it without exactly saying it.

_
S2L5 was "measuring or weighing it." And back from "and" to "or".

S3L1 was "Our tower..."

___


Music Theory

I dropped that course and never learned to read.
Instead, I found my voice. But never mind.
The angels on a pin sing Let it Bleed,
my seven-angled banjo falls behind.
One day I’ll get around to playing it.

Rilke tells us that the truth is plowed
beneath a pile of facts. Don’t ask me where.
In peer review, I know that’s not allowed.
And yet I hold it elegant. So there.
The worst part of OK-ing is OK-ing it.

Our tower of cognizance must bow to spirit.
The Belshazzar Museum sets a day
aside for Ellington. If you get near it,
you'll be shown that we must find a way
of saying it without exactly saying it.
.

Last edited by Rick Mullin; 12-31-2019 at 10:56 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 12-25-2019, 09:15 AM
Max Goodman Max Goodman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Sunnyvale, CA
Posts: 1,729
Default

Hi, Rick,

I'm glad you've posted another music poem. I like the poem in the "Gimme Sabotage" thread, but haven't had anything helpful to say about it. Dunno that my ignorance here will be helpful, but

I like this one, too, and want to understand it better. (That's not to say that I want an explanation; I'm sharing my reaction.)

"It" is an important word here, ending each stanza. I think it's Let it Bleed (or similar stuff) in the first stanza, but I'm not sure of the significance of playing it. I don't know what it is the rest of the way. In the third stanza it seems to start out as the B museum and then change.

I'm also not sure what's not allowed in peer review, quoting an authority, cutting through the pile of facts, or something else.

I doubt learning to read music is an obstacle to finding one's voice, and I don't see the poem encouraging me to question the speaker.

FWIW.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 12-25-2019, 09:27 AM
Allen Tice's Avatar
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 4,734
Default

Ha.
cxxxxxxxxxxxxii
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 12-25-2019, 09:37 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 8,459
Default

Rick, in S2L2 was it supposed to read "a pile of facts"?

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 12-26-2019, 06:47 AM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 8,123
Default

Thanks folks.

Yes, Susan. Thanks. Fixed.

Hi Max,

The "that's" reference in the line about peer review, I feared, may not be clear. I intend that line to mean that in peer review it's not allowed to ask people not to ask for your source. The following "it", however, refers to what Rilke tells us. I'll think about that line.


NB: I thought about it and rewrote the second stanza.

Rick

Last edited by Rick Mullin; 12-26-2019 at 07:55 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 12-26-2019, 07:53 AM
Andrew Mandelbaum's Avatar
Andrew Mandelbaum Andrew Mandelbaum is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Portland Maine
Posts: 3,389
Default

By invoking the writing on the wall I read this piece as suggesting we compose without the vowels and leave it to each Daniel to fill in the prophecies. I think. I get enough out of the Stones bit, Daniel. and the music stuff to allow me just to go with the word/sound interplay and let it take me into the area and do my own thinking. The second stanza sorta gets in the way of my trip a bit. Visually, by my own made up rules, OK-ing is ugly and sonically a bit awkward (decreed by the same arbitrary Persian ruler). I think I would vote for another take at the second verse just to see what might come. It provokes in me one of those intellectual asides ( did Rilke actually say that... should I know?) as well. Then again, maybe this stanza wants to summon up some thoughts in composition about originality and source. Which would mean I am missing a more directed design...maybe? Just some meandering thoughts after the first read.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 12-26-2019, 08:01 AM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 8,123
Default

Hi Andrew,

Max sent me back to the second stanza, and I rewrote it even as you and I cross-posted. Let me know if S2 works better now. I got to really disliking the jokey OK-ing it bit. And as I mention above, it was hard to follow.

Thanks,
Rick

Last edited by Rick Mullin; 12-26-2019 at 08:09 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 12-26-2019, 12:43 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: *
Posts: 1,975
Default

Not sure the second stanza, Rick. In my opinion, you should personalize this. My tower of cognizance, etc. That's a pretty great treatment of 'it'. You do it and ok better than anyone I'm aware of. I like the poem a lot.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 12-26-2019, 04:10 PM
Andrew Mandelbaum's Avatar
Andrew Mandelbaum Andrew Mandelbaum is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Portland Maine
Posts: 3,389
Default

Way better for me on that S2 business. Though I think measuring and weighing it feels oddly stronger for some reason than the measuring or weighing. Weighing here echoes with the Daniel business and so the decisive and thorough and seems a better foil here.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Unread 12-26-2019, 07:09 PM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 2,133
Default

I really like this one, Rick. I like the movement of each stanza, from more general to concrete (this is more pronounced in S2 and S3)—opposite the usual direction, but effective. Even the final moral revelation comes out of the experience of getting near Ellington.

The music of the lines is top-notch. The rhythm hear is just gorgeous, and the rhymes fresh and unexpected. With the revisions to S2, I, at least, think you've nailed this one.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,072
Total Threads: 20,075
Total Posts: 255,396
There are 292 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online