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  #1  
Old 05-17-2018, 08:06 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default Livestream: King's Canyon & Clovis

Livestream: Walmart

Ready your peepers, people. See this tar
beneath a hard sun? See those parking spaces?
Although no plush trees shade the run from car
to entry, note the palm that says “oasis”
with fans as flagrant as those yellow lines.
See, at its base, how dumpsters front a lair
knitted from nettles, negligence and vines?
(So many babies have been born in there.)

Lo, now. . . no, wait a sec—a semitrailer
is backing up, all giddy to unload
merchandise featured in the weekly mailer. . .
Lo, now, whom hundreds chugging from the road
into a slot or trudging through the trauma
of petrol stench irreverently ignore:
Multimammata Maculata, Mama
of Kittens! (She is what I squat here for.)


. . . . .

S1L1 "Ready" for "Open"
S2L1 "Lo, now" for "Behold"
S2L4 "Lo, now" for "Behold"
S2L6 "stench" for "reek"


(Original)

Livestream

Open your eyes, now, people: here is tar
beneath a hard sun. Those are parking spaces.
Although no plush trees shade the run from car
to entry, note the palm that says “oasis”
with fans as flagrant as those yellow lines.
See, at its base, how dumpsters front a lair
knitted from nettles, negligence and vines?
So what? you might inquire. What lurks in there?

Now, world. . . hold on a sec—a semitrailer
is backing up, all giddy to unload
merchandise featured in the weekly mailer. . .
Now, world: since thousands chugging from the road
into a slot or trudging through the trauma
of heat and yuck irreverently ignore
our local goddess, Lo! Camille the Mama
of Squinnies, Squinnies mewing more, more, more!

. . . . .

Title was "Livestream: King’s Canyon & Clovis"
S1L8 was "(A lot of babies have been born in there.)"
S2L6 "irreverently" for "zombifically"
S2L7-8 were
this marvel, meet her nursing: Madge the Mama
of Squinnies! (She is what I shop here for.)

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 05-18-2018 at 09:35 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-17-2018, 09:38 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I always love your rhymes. S1 for me is more exciting, I guess, than S2. It feels more finished, but I think that's partly my well-groomed taste. :-)

Cheers,
John
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  #3  
Old 05-17-2018, 09:42 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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John, thank you. Yes, S2 is more "open"--the outside world in the form of a semitrailer impinges on the poem. We'll see what others think.
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:11 AM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Aaron,
this is vivid and disorienting. Clovis as in Clovis near Fresno? Squinnies as in the DesMoines Iowa word for ground squirrel (see this)? Has King's Canyon deteriorated so badly since I was there last? MY memories are more like THIS.

Aside from my general disorientation, which may be the effect you are after, the only word that strikes a false note for me is "zombifically".

Anyway, thanks for the read! I always look forward to your posts.
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:32 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hey, Martin,

yes, King's Canyon & Clovis (Ave) is an intersection in Fresno. It doesn't really matter--I could give any random cross-streets. To obviate further concern with the location, I will go with "Livestream" alone as the title. Thank you.

The "Squinnies" are kittens born with their eyes closed. I think "mewing" makes them clear. It's ok with me if only Iowans are confused by "Squinnies."

Does "zombifically" strike a wrong note because it is word I made up?

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 05-17-2018 at 11:59 AM.
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:04 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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OK, I was dumb, but I think that title is misdirecting. Maybe use the name of the store
and the city, e.g.: Vons, Fresno or Walgreens, Fresno, or Sunnyside Square, Fresno.
But I didn't get it that those were streets and was wondering what King's Canyon and Sequoia National parks had to do with this.

Why do you capitalize squinnies (I hadn't heard the term, and looking it up I was again misdirected)?

I guess I'm put off by "zombifically" because it sounds kind of highschoolish to me.
I'd go with something like

into a slot or trudging through the trauma
of purgatorial heat ignore

to show a bit more empathy with the oblivious crowd;

In any case, now that my confusion is settled, I love it. Please, just change the title to help the ignorant ones out.

Thanks again!

Martin
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:08 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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No, no, Martin--your comments were helpful. I think I willl just keep the title "Livestream" and let the reader figure out the setting. I'm glad you know "Vons" in Fresno.

I willl look again at the "zombifically" line--I like your suggested revision. On it [I have revised "zombifically" to "irreverently"]

I capitalize "Squinnies" as part of a royal title: Camille the Mama of Squinnies.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 05-17-2018 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:11 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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I have posted a substantial revision to the original draft at the top of the thread.
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:35 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Aaron,
I like the revision. It clarifies and yet simultaneously intensifies the original.

Martin
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:40 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Sweet. Thanks for you comments earlier. I had to brood on them all day.

Best,

Aaron
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