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  #11  
Unread 01-22-2021, 09:34 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, Daniel, I like this very much. The closing couplet is killer. Do keep saudade.

I had a poet teacher you once gave a whole several-week unit on the necessity of "saudade" in poetry.

Best,

Aaron
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  #12  
Unread 01-22-2021, 03:21 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Aaron,
How I envy you having had a good poetry teacher, especially one who recommended using the word "saudade". If he or she is still around, they must be thrilled to see how far you've come in the poetry world, ...with their influence!
I love the concept of that word...

...so thank you, Daniel, for introducing the word to me. "Do keep saudade", as Aaron said.

Jayne
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  #13  
Unread 01-22-2021, 06:01 PM
Coleman Glenn Coleman Glenn is online now
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Hi Daniel,

I only have quick stolen moments to come on here these days, so I’ll have to be brief. I like the conceit and the execution of this poem.

The one thing I’m not sure of is the headless line 10. Having a headless line on an enjambment makes me stretch out the end of the previous line, which puts too much emphasis on “whose” for me. No one else has mentioned this, though, so maybe not a problem for anyone else.
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  #14  
Unread 01-22-2021, 08:08 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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Hi Daniel,

I like the theme of this and most of the poem. I agree that “Delayed” sounds like a good title. The only word that stuck out a bit for me was “bewailed,” because I’m not quite sure why the night is sorrowing for the moon. I also notice the headless line (L10), but it didn’t bother me all that much.

I had no trouble following the progression of the seasons. The poem starts with probably a day late July or perhaps early August. (The summer solstice, which has the most daylight, is at the end of June.)

Then it mentions September (start of autumn).

Then a reference once more to summer, as a slight digression. Like Susan, I’m not sure who or what “they” represent. The lovers? Or is it the “sigh”? If so, then shouldn’t “they” be “it did cool”?

Then winter blows in with some foreboding, yet the shivering N "burns."

As others, I really like the couplet Nemo pointed out (Lines 11-12). Also I like “saudade,” and the last couplet is inspired.

Of course, the poem never mentions lovers, but I assumed they were there. They’re implied. So it’s a controlling metaphor. I’m wondering if they could appear somewhere more explicitly, but maybe that isn’t necessary.

Martin

Last edited by Martin Elster; 01-22-2021 at 08:12 PM.
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  #15  
Unread 01-25-2021, 05:04 PM
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S.R. Little Stone S.R. Little Stone is offline
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Hey Daniel,

I like the conceit of this poem and the earth science lesson that your conceit conveys. I think a poet who is very relevant to a poem like this is John Donne (e.g. his conceit of the compass in "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning"). I read your sonnet a few times before the romance metaphor started to rise to my attention, which I think would have made me feel more engaged with the poem if it had been evident earlier. I wonder if you can bring the beloved into the poem earlier and more clearly with something like:

"Our longest day was not our warmest day,
though sunshine warmed the world. The afterglow"

I think you may have assigned yourself the challenge of not revealing the beloved directly, but I think there is a lot of expressive potential that could be tapped (especially in the first octave) by addressing the beloved.

The word that tripped me up the most in this poem was "bashful". I couldn't really picture the personification of summer doing anything bashfully.

Like others, I especially enjoyed lines 11-12. I'm not totally sold on "saudade" (thought I like the look of it alongside "season"). I liked the last line and heard an echo of the ending of Frost's "Choose Something Like a Star", a poem that I really love.

Nice start and looking forward to seeing how it evolves.

-Little Stone
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  #16  
Unread 01-26-2021, 05:45 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Hey Aaron,

thanks for the props and confidence in "saudade". I'll keep it.

###

Hey Jayne, will keep.


###

Coleman
Hi Daniel,

[headless line 10] arg. yes.
{Having a headless line on an enjambment makes me stretch out the end of the previous line} Great observation: I'm just starting to make a list of specific effects like this for the broadest of dreams... I prefer to correct it as the sonic effect is random and doesn't really help drive the content.

Thanks for the keen ear!

###
Howdy, howdy Martin!

Delayed, it is for now. “bewailed,” - a bit much. Looking at alterntives. (L10) - it can be done better, though I don't know how I'll keep the aliteration-- probably sacrifice it.

[no trouble following the progression] - This comes with some relief overall.

Then = thrills (of spring)

saudade comes with chillblains on this occasion (winter)

[lovers] My focus was so metaphysical, so get-the-generalized-principle-right that application to a lover or past lovers of the speaker submerged entirely. Identifing that is startling and helpful. I'm going to look it over with an eye to total overhaul, not just point and shoot corrections (bewail, headless L10). I might spawn a new one out of it too. That's usually more freeing (and less painful) than the overhaul.


###
Little Stone, hey man~

[ romance metaphor ] "Our longest day was not our warmest day,/ though sunshine warmed the world. The afterglow" I really like the suggestion.

[not revealing the beloved directly] I can still certainly not reveal all directly.

I'm back and forth. Maybe a new poem.

[lines 11-12.]["saudade"] Thanks for props and wariness.

You give me some very flattering comparisons overall. With a little more hard work, maybe even better still.
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