Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 05-24-2018, 08:55 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Hello, all. Thank you for your comments. I have made revisions based on them.

Revisions:

I have revised “wrath” to “slurs” at Andrew’s suggestion.

I have revised “wave weaponry” to “whip out their guns” because many thought “wave weaponry” jarred with the tone.

Possibilities:

I could change the title from “The Candidates” to “The Activists.” I imagine the speaker and Reynaldo (just a random Hispanic name) running for President and Vice President respectively. I am also excited about Shaun’s interpretation of the poem, and I want to keep that interpretation a possibility if I can. Right now I am sticking with “The Candidates.”

In line 5, would we prefer “dozed” to “boozed”? (For the reason Martin pointed out.)

In line 12 I am at looking at possible replacements for “yield.” Maybe
we can at least bolt with an easy conscience.
Hmn.

In line 14 I considering revisions to “hugely”. I can’t come up with anything as interesting. I mean it to suggest that the speaker knows their campaign will be “hugely” defeated but they should campaign anyway.
. . . . .

Martin, I mean Reynaldo to be simply an American of Hispanic origin who is a buddy of the speaker. Is that all implied in the poem?

Edward, thank you. Yes, I had “Ramon Fernandez, tell if you know” in mind. I see the poem as making a distinction between two groups the “shrill” and the “numb”—this seems an accurate portrayal of America right now.

I think I want the sentence to enjamb from the octave into the volta—it feels like the second quatrain, then, is a wind-up for line 9. What do we think, people?

For line 13, I can’t find anything I like as much as I what I have. I considered and dismissed:

at least have done our best to give a bit.

Andrew F., thank you. I have accepted both of your suggestions. I am considering writing a picaresque series about the speaker and Reynaldo as they run their grass-roots campaign.

Shaun, thank you very much for your interpretation. I didn’t intend it but I welcome it. I think I want to keep the title “The Candidates” because it has the double-meaning you found in it.

I am going to try to revive “The Deep End”—we’ll see how it goes.

Thank you all very much,

Aaron
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-24-2018, 07:16 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,145
Default

Aaron,
I think this is great, and the revisions improve it. I do keep wanting Reynaldo to be Sancho Panza, some allusion; but it is probably just me.

Thanks,
Martin
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-24-2018, 07:28 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,280
Default

I think of him more as Ramon Fernandez.

I'd like to come back with more specifics, but want to say the revisions are great.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-24-2018, 07:55 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Thank you. I think I finally got the "guns" line. "whip out their guns" was too crude. "whip out their Colts" does it.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-24-2018, 08:29 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

I like the revisions too.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-26-2018, 02:22 AM
Edward Zuk's Avatar
Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Surrey, Canada
Posts: 641
Default

Hi Aaron,

Colts are still used, but Glocks are much more popular according to my quick web searches.

For line 13, I’m guessing that you’re looking for a tired phrase to go with “do a bit / of good” (i.e. the candidates are looking for a way to ease their consciences if they lose by saying, ‘Well, at least we did something’ without feeling too worked over the whole thing). You might look at replacing “done our best” with “tried our best,” “[we] gave a shot,” “took a shot,” “rolled the dice,” “walked our mile,” “worked our butts,” “worked like dogs,” etc. I don’t know if any of these are better, but they might open up some possibilities.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-26-2018, 05:28 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Edward, thank you for returning.

I ended up going with "Colts" because they are American-made. Also, "whip out their Glocks" sounds enough like "whip out their cocks" to introduce levity where I don't want it. (I use that near-pun in "Mr. Either/Or" for a bit of a funny.) What do you other people think? Is "whip out their Glocks" better?

Also, would people prefer

"at least have tried like Hell to do a bit"

or

"at least have worked like Hell to do a bit"

or

"at least have gone all out to do a bit"

over

"at least have done our best to do a bit"

?

The redundancy of "done"/"do" is one of the things that attracted me to that line.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-26-2018, 07:57 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,568
Default

This is wonderfully, madly, Gilbert & Sullivan-y histrionic though I've not read it enough to comment any further, but I will try. Busy days, busy nights.

I'd rather read a hundred of these than one line of the hysterical ones that dribble out of the swamps of our political landscape every day.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-26-2018, 08:11 PM
Kyle Norwood Kyle Norwood is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 286
Default

"Worked like hell" conveys the grind of campaigning, and I think I prefer it, though the simplicity of "done our best" is also appealing.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 05-26-2018, 10:11 PM
Siham Karami Siham Karami is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 3,144
Default

Love this, Aaron! Enormously enjoyable. The “colts” is far better than Glocks, plus the added double meaning of colt 45 malt liquor which could work here too, maybe both simultaneously. Obviously the beer maker wanted the gun to be thought of simultaneously. Also I like the “done/ do”, but have no problem with “works like hell” either. It’s really a matter of the tone you prefer for your N: putting on his best, earnest political face, or expressing his best, earnest “working guy” political face. The done/do feels less imposed and so a better foil for the background music of Trump Bombast. Especially with the family picnic still. Many lines to love, as per your usual.

Best,
Siham
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,908
Total Threads: 19,300
Total Posts: 249,087
There are 217 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online