Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-27-2018, 12:41 AM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: United States of America
Posts: 54

I liked it.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2018, 12:55 AM
Michael Cantor Michael Cantor is offline
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Plum Island, MA; Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 10,638

Like it, but to me the scenario is (a) quite clear, and (b) not one that anybody else has mentioned, including Aaron.

To me, this is a candidate and his manager, running for a local office. Possibly State Representative, maybe Mayor. I would change the title to The Candidate.

Of course it's a Colt. Colts are Amer-i-can and Glocks are foreign; and the kind of guy who would wave a pistol at somebody ringing his door bell would absolutely be waving a Colt.

"Hugely lose" in the last line bothers me. It's got a nice sound to it in one way, but it also sounds like you're chasing meter. Maybe "when of course we lose."
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2018, 11:41 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,824

Hello, everyone. Thank you for commenting.

I have revised the title to “The Candidate” at Michael’s suggestion (that’s the title I had wanted all along).

Thank you, Jim. I’m still trying to figure out how to write political poetry in 2018. I’m glad this one seems to be working.

Kyle, thank you. Yeah, what to do with line 13. I think I am going to stick with what I have. Siham persuaded me.

Siham, thank you for your close-reading. You have persuaded me to stick with “have done our best”.

Michael, thank you. I have taken your suggestion for the title. Yes, “hugely lose.” I’m still thinking about. The rest of the poem is comparatively “plain” stylistically, so I wanted to end with something of a flourish.

Thanks again, all,

Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2018, 12:30 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,341


This one line has bothered me:
abhorrence, but we are American—
I really feel that the stresses aren't accentuating the important words. "but" and "are" just don't do feel like the rhetorical point--"we," though, particularly in the poem, should get more of the oomph.

One thought is to chance "abhorrence" so that the rhythm changes:
disgust, but we remain American—
Another would be to go to the previous line:
I know, I know, but in this age of shrill
abhorrence, we remain American—
I tried to get "but even in this age of shrill," but you'd have to lose one of the "I know"s, and I like that rhetorical effect.

I picked "remain" here, though I don't love it, because my natural default was "are still" in all of these tinkerings...but obviously L4 uses "still" as a rhyme-word. I even thought of "aren't we still American?"

I just think that for a poem that otherwise works, this line has stood out at me as not working.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2018, 12:46 PM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 1,366

I read that line with the rhetorically needed stress on “we” and thought it worked, but I’m generally a fan of the two-anapests-for-three-iambs substitution.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2018, 02:05 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,824

Thank you, gentlemen.

I think line 3 is a good marriage of sound and sense.

abHORrence, BUT we ARE aMERiCAN

“But” is naturally promoted after the unstressed “-rence” but also is an especially important adversative here, introducing a focal exception to “the age of shrill abhorrence.”

“Are” is certainly more important than “we” in that “being American” means that the future is a family picnic.

I was tempted to print the line:

abhorrence, but we are American

but I decided to let the meter express the emphasis.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2018, 04:30 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184

This is in fact a line whose rhythm I like a lot, the rhyme word in particular.

Reply With Quote
Old 08-19-2018, 02:20 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 2,712

sorry, wrong poem

Last edited by Matt Q; 08-19-2018 at 02:25 PM.
Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right

Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,928
Total Threads: 19,491
Total Posts: 251,884
There are 326 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right

Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online