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Old 06-19-2018, 12:34 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default The Aeronaut

The Aeronaut

A kind of freedom kept from us on earth
Aacomes to him as a dream of flying,
Aacomes to him as a dream denying
the heaviness that falls on us at birth.

Sweeping over Auckland, Sydney, Perth
Aaor circumscribing underlying
AaEverest without even trying,
he finds a bliss that is half awe, half mirth,

so, when he nears, north of our mid-globe girth,
Aahome, and his gravity-defying
Aaelation fails, he wakes up crying
Not this life! for all that he is worth.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-19-2018 at 12:40 AM.
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Old 06-19-2018, 01:15 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

A bit Baudelairean to my eye - N'importe ou hors du monde, for instance:
http://www.biblisem.net/narratio/baudnimp.htm

The piece is elegant as ever. But it's a long way from Perth to Auckland.

Cheers,
John
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Old 06-19-2018, 06:32 AM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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Hi Aaron comments in REDThe Aeronaut

A kind of freedom, kept from us on earth, commas
Aacomes to him as a dream of flying,
Aacomes to him as a dream denying
the heaviness that falls on us at birth.

Sweeping over Auckland, Sydney, Perth
Aaor circumscribing underlying
AaEverest without even trying,
he finds a bliss that is half awe, half mirth,The logic here escapes me

so, when he nears, north of our mid-globe girth,
Aahome, and his gravity-defying
Aaelation fails, he wakes up crying
Not this life! for all that he is worth.[/quote]Again the logic escapes me.

I am not getting much from this at all Aaron but it is good to see The Deep End getting traffic.

Regards,

Jan
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Old 06-19-2018, 08:38 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, John, yes, the poem dreams of life free of "the heaviness that falls on us at birth" and the subject wakes up rejecting his own life in favor of it. Perhaps that's where you are getting Baudelaire? It's pretty common to wake up wishing a dream wasn't a dream. It is indeed a long way from Auckland to Perth but the subject is flying in a dream. I at least often have a dream when I can see the World Atlas splayed out beneath me.

Hello, Jan,
Sorry this poem isn't doing much for you. The logic is quite clear.

Best,

Aaron

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-19-2018 at 11:29 AM.
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Old 06-21-2018, 12:31 AM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Hi Aaron,

The rhymes here are grade A stuff, but I miss the line-to-line shifts in tone and surprises that I’ve come to expect from your poems.

I did find the wording of line 4—and the idea of something falling on a newborn baby, albeit metaphorically—to be darkly comical. I’ll suggest “falls to us.”

Do you want something as ambiguous as “Not this life!” for an ending? Since he is on the verge of waking, it’s hard to tell if he means his dream life or his waking life.

“Aeronaut” is a wonderful word, but I wonder if a slightly more elaborate title—“An Aeronaut in Dreamland,” “The Aeronaut at Play,” "Twilight of the Aeronaut," etc.—might be even better.
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Old 06-21-2018, 02:35 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I missed that the dream is literal not figurative. Thanks!

Cheers,
John
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Old 06-21-2018, 02:47 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I'm getting Shakespeare...

...And then, in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again.

The dropping's the wrong way round, but the dreaming's the same.

I'd suggest you suggest that opposite dropping by saying, in line 4,

"the heaviness that pins us down at birth"

and emphasise the final crying with "No! Not this life!..." (It also scans better.)

I wonder though, about "for all that he is worth". I'm familiar with the phrase and use it often, but almost always contracted into "for all he's worth". I can see that, drawn out as you have it here, it takes on a layer of more profound meaning, less throw-away, less of a cliché, but it also has a faint whiff of pretentiousness. Does anyone else feel that?
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Old 06-21-2018, 11:23 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Ann: "I wonder though, about "for all that he is worth". I'm familiar with the phrase and use it often, but almost always contracted into "for all he's worth". I can see that, drawn out as you have it here, it takes on a layer of more profound meaning, less throw-away, less of a cliché, but it also has a faint whiff of pretentiousness. Does anyone else feel that?"

Yes, it is a bit "stiff" sounding, but I like the extra gravity it adds and think it suits the poem nicely.

Putting aside crit for the moment, the poem subject opens a flood of song comparisons from the Beatle's "Across the Universe" to David Bowie's space songs to Freddy Mercury's "Pressure". All those songs have an other worldly/escapist feel to them and this evokes that feel.

I do see in this a reflection of our troubled world. The stresses of such volatile times can cause an otherwise grounded person to want to find a way to escape.
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Old 06-21-2018, 09:52 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

A couple of specific Baudelairean echoes: first, the theme, which I noted in "N'importe ou hors du monde", a prose poem, but which also defines the closing "Le Voyage" in Les Fleurs du Mal; and second, your overarching metaphor of flight, which structures "Élévation":

Au-dessus des étangs, au-dessus des vallées,
Des montagnes, des bois, des nuages, des mers,
Par delà le soleil, par delà les éthers,
Par delà les confins des sphères étoilées,

Mon esprit, tu te meus avec agilité,
Et, comme un bon nageur qui se pâme dans l'onde,
Tu sillonnes gayement l'immensité profonde
Avec une indicible et mâle volupté.

I think your poem does fine on its own, natch, but that these echoes can add resonance to it.

Cheers,
John
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Old 06-22-2018, 11:49 PM
Jason Ringler Jason Ringler is offline
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id get rid of Auckland and Sydney and maybe say the belly of Perth. Also instead of saying "a kind of freedom" in the first line, just say freedom from earth. I'd rearrange the last stanza also.
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