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Old 06-24-2018, 01:38 PM
Felicity Teague's Avatar
Felicity Teague Felicity Teague is offline
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Gloucestershire, UK
Posts: 250

Hi Aaron,

It's good to see The Deep End in use. I haven't been in here before. I'm not sure whether I should be here, but I shall try to be of some use.

I like your title. I might suggest 'Earth' in place of 'earth', but that's entirely up to you. I'm struck by the repetition in lines 2 and 3 of the first stanza, which I think is enhanced by the way you've formatted the lines. I expected similar repetitions in S2 and S3, but I'm not troubled by their absence. By the end of S1 I am certainly feeling the gravitational pull, and I think the repetition might have something to do with that.

S2 launches well. The 'scribing' in 'circumscribing' makes me think of writing, and the sensation of flight I have while on my own head-trips. I identify with 'half awe, half mirth'. I like 'underlying [new line] Everest' too.

I had a bit of a stumble at the beginning of S3, due to the placement of 'home', but only on the first reading. I like the ending. I get some sadness from it, and the sense that the N doesn't value his life much. I wish him happy travels for his next flight <(:-)

Best wishes,
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Old 06-25-2018, 11:12 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,971

Thank you, all, for commenting. I have mulled over your comments for the past week. This poem has not aged well with me--I have decided to disown it, as it is not striking enough and sort of world-weary at the end.

Again, thank you for all your helpful suggestions. I have tried them but I was unable to raise this poem to the level of "keeper."
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