Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-25-2018, 08:46 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,823
Default

"slum of palms"--it's a double entendre--get it?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-25-2018, 09:19 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

Hi Aaron,

I like your revisions. My favorite line is "That’s why you prowl down here and pay for sex," which neatly weds speech and meter to my ear. Pupils is ambiguous; would eyeballs do? And at the end, how about "this monologue"?
When I see grok, I think of Heinlein, but it doesn't bug me unduly.

CHeers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-25-2018, 09:27 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,823
Default

Got it, Aaron. Yes, I am fond of this poem and will keep revising it in its current form.

John, thank you. I will revise "pupils" to "peepers"--more suggestive, I think. I think I am going to keep "the" instead of "this" out front of "monologue". I don't mean to say the addressee's conscious will become silent if he finds a life-mate. What I mean is what I have heard spouses say about the marital state--that one starts thinking in terms of a "we."

[Nah, not "peepers," "squinters"]

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 06-25-2018 at 09:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-25-2018, 09:31 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

Fair enough, Aaron. "This monologue" would also be a pun on the poem, but I'm not sure you need it. I have myself become a we person, and so can vouch for it, though "we're pregnant" would I think be one step beyond my new grammar.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-25-2018, 10:42 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
Posts: 39
Default

Hi Aaron,

Just throwing in my two cents—no pun intended—but I have personally encountered “grok” only secondhand while knowing it’s from some book I’ve never read. But it’s only happened among philosophy students, and I would hesitate to draw conclusions about the population at large from that.

Also, I feel like you ought to be able to work “one-night-stand-ins” into L11 somehow. That would be a nice touch. (Pun definitely not intended.)

I may come back to this later, once I’ve had more time to consider it.

Last edited by A. Sterling; 06-25-2018 at 11:01 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-25-2018, 11:17 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,823
Default

Hello, A.,

I can't find a word that I prefer to "grok" there. I am willing to listen reason but nothing else I have come up with is both striking and right.

I do mean "one-sided" instead of reciprocal. A rapport is reciprocal. "one night" is too long for what happens in a hand-job parlor.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-26-2018, 09:24 AM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
Posts: 39
Default

It’s true, my suggestion would change the meaning a bit—something I’m personally not averse to doing for the sake of wordplay when the alternate fits too. In this case, I think it even has a couple advantages because it follows up the “contentment’s ex” bit and implies a decline ending with the starkly phrased “pay for sex”. I like having that extra bit of history—and it subtly prepares you for the idea that something else might be possible for this guy.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-26-2018, 09:34 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,823
Default

Thank you, A. I think "one-sided" is more important, given the lack of reciprocality.

Best,

Aaron
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-26-2018, 02:54 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,672
Default

Really beautifully expressed, Aaron. I drive by a host of homeless people morning and evening. They behave and are as you say:

"each of them seems the only warmth that calms
the other. Envy them. They are complete,"

As with all your work, there are always phrases that catch my breath. In this one "For all the sunlight in this slum of palms" and then the whole of the ending:

"Here is your wishing well: this man, this dog,
so chuck some change in. Sure, that liquor store
would sell you blur awhile, but pray for more—
say, blending love,"

x
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-27-2018, 08:08 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,823
Default

Thank you very much, Jim. I think the revisions have pulled this one up. I am glad you like the "sunlight in the slum of palms"--that's where I live right now.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,927
Total Threads: 19,491
Total Posts: 251,841
There are 259 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online