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Old 07-02-2018, 08:44 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default Alive Today

Alive Today

Before the sun roars and the people cower
behind the hush of office, home and car,
there is this morning twilight: geese devour
the night-wet grass beside the reservoir,
fur flickers on a woodpile, and a last
frog, leaping into thistle, fades out, brown.
Right now, between a scorcher and the past,
with vague smog lifting on the edge of town,

it’s Hooray
for the way
colors revive
and contours recur
as a drowsy blur
sharpens to seeing:
Hooray for being
alive
today!


Sight, now, is a miraculous release.
I mean, the objects of the dawn arise
like 3-D emblems of eternal peace
and suck me worldward, giddy, through my eyes.
I mean, gold bastes the bluegrass, silver beads
sway on the swag of webs beneath the eaves,
and bronze coruscates in the glorious weeds.
With all those bright red birds among the leaves,

it’s Hooray
for the way
colors revive
and contours recur
as a drowsy blur
sharpens to seeing:
Hooray for being
alive
today!



. . . . .

Title was "Morning Twilight"

Lines 1-3 were
The sun will roar soon and the people cower
behind the hush of office, home and car,
but not quite yet. Look how the geese devour


The refrain was:

I feel I should say
Three cheers for the way
colors revive
and bodies recur
as my drowsy blur
sharpens to seeing.
Three cheers for being
alive
today

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-21-2018 at 09:48 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-02-2018, 11:03 AM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Aaron,
an unexpectedly sweet song from you! Here are a few initial thoughts:
In S1L3, can you find something more Aaronish (i.e., original) for "gorgeous"?
Similarly, I expected squirrels--is there another choice? Cottontails?

I know you'd need to change the grammar of the last lines of the stanzas, but I think the refrain is burdened by "I feel I should say "; can you find a way to cut that?

Thanks for the read, and a happy morning to you!

Martin
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  #3  
Old 07-02-2018, 12:27 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, Martin, I have revised the refrain to the following at your suggestion:

it’s Hooray
for the way
colors revive
and bodies recur
as my drowsy blur
sharpens to seeing.
Hooray for being
alive
today.


The squirrels were there flickering on the woodpile, but I will see if I can sub some other critter.

[Editing In: I have revised to "fur flickers"]

I will see what I can do with "gorgeous."]

[Editing In: I have revised "gorgeous morning" to "morning "twilight."]

Thanks as always,

Aaron

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-02-2018 at 12:54 PM.
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  #4  
Old 07-02-2018, 01:43 PM
Edward Zuk's Avatar
Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Hi Aaron,

My first impression is that I like this a lotóitís sweet, as Martin notes, and more profound than it appears on the surface. I wasnít sure about ďscorcherĒ the first time I read it through, but the meaning became obvious in hindsight. Iíll suggest a more exuberant punctuation for the refrain:

itís Hooray
for the way
colors revive
and bodies recur
as my drowsy blur
sharpens to seeing[:]
Hooray for being
alive
today[!]

Otherwise, bravo for posting this today!
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  #5  
Old 07-02-2018, 01:58 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Edward. I have a wariness of exclamation marks but I will go all out and take your suggestion.

Best, best,

Aaron
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  #6  
Old 07-02-2018, 02:50 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Another rhymed gem. I've read it through a few times with the intention of finding something I thought might be improved but get carried away in the buoyancy of it.

It's a morning poem of the kind coffee can fuel : ). For me, morning is most conducive to feeling alive and you've captured the essence of that feeling here.

My only thought is to start the refrain with "So" italicized instead of "It's" unitalicized. It seems to give liftoff immediately rather then "stepping up" to it.
x
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  #7  
Old 07-02-2018, 03:43 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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This is quite beautiful Aaron and has brightened my day.

Regards,

Jan
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  #8  
Old 07-02-2018, 04:18 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Jim. I am trying different configurations for getting into the refrain. I can't make 'so' work to my satisfaction. I am glad that Martin had me cut the lame I feel I should say." Still fiddling.

Thank you, Jan.

Best,

Aaron
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  #9  
Old 07-02-2018, 04:59 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi Aaron,
I definitely like the new S1 a lot (fur flickers is great), and the refrain as well. I did forget to mention that I have my doubts in S2 about the two "I mean". I don't think either of them add anything except a foot to each line.

Best wishes,
Martin
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  #10  
Old 07-02-2018, 06:02 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Martin, for encouraging to revise.

I like the two "I means" for two reasons: 1.) they make clear that what follows them is expansion on what's in line 1 of that stanza--sight being a miraculous release; 2.) they make the piece more conversational, more credible as a spontaneous utterance.

Best,

Aaron
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