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  #11  
Old 07-02-2018, 06:08 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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"I am trying different configurations for getting into the refrain. I can't make 'so' work to my satisfaction."

Would it work for you to use "Sing" as a lead-in? "Sing Hooray"?
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  #12  
Old 07-02-2018, 07:49 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, Jim,

"Sing Hooray" would introduce a "you" implicitly through the command. As I see it, the intro to the refrain needs to be first person "I" or impersonal "it's".

Best,

Aaron
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  #13  
Old 07-02-2018, 08:12 PM
Perry James Perry James is offline
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I didn't notice this poem until it was raised to the top.

Stanzas one and three are just gorgeous, while the refrain is "interesting" to me at best. One and three are written in lush, warm, soothing language -- and even though they are highly poetic, they don't trip over themselves by being self-conscious. But I wonder why you have chosen a college cheer for the refrain. It seems to me you could come up with something more similar to the other stanzas -- similar, but with a difference that makes them stand out -- an iconic thought about the day (or nature) that sounds right after both stanzas. You have written:

beautiful
interesting
beautiful
interesting

Why not go for:

beautiful
beautiful
beautiful
beautiful
?
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  #14  
Old 07-02-2018, 08:25 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Another vote for this poem, from the opening cower-car-devour. I like the hey quality to the chorus, though it does feel tonally different to me.

Cheers,
John
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  #15  
Old 07-02-2018, 08:26 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Perry. I want a sort of secular prayer of gratitude in the refrain. 'Hooray' conveys the feeling I had. Could you suggest some other exclamation? One has to be careful not to go overboard with the beauty.
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  #16  
Old 07-02-2018, 10:18 PM
Perry James Perry James is offline
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I'll see if I can come up with something. It seems to me you should be able to find a refrain which is beautiful but different in some significant way.
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  #17  
Old 07-03-2018, 01:25 AM
Perry James Perry James is offline
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All I came up with was a slight rewriting of your cheer. I realized that one of the things I don't like about the refrain is that it is in short lines.

Hooray for the way that colors revive
and bodies recur as a drowsy blur;
Hooray for being alive!

Perhaps, once I overcome the crisis of confidence I am having because of my own thread, I'll work on it more.
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  #18  
Old 07-03-2018, 01:41 AM
Perry James Perry James is offline
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(accidental double post)
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  #19  
Old 07-03-2018, 07:15 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Perry.

I prefer the shift to the short lines after the longer for contrast--the pacing picks up to express the enthusiasm.

Best,

Aaron
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  #20  
Old 07-03-2018, 08:16 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Do we prefer "tarnation" to "a scorcher" in line 7?

Right now, between a scorcher and the past,
with vague smog lifting on the edge of town,

or

Right now, between tarnation and the past,
with vague smog listing on the edge of town,

?
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