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Old 07-16-2018, 01:13 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Default The Writher

The Writher

Lither than ever,
the freak in my slime
is doing a clever
pantomime—
hand-jiving, rocking
its hips and behind,
making and mocking
the state of my mind.

Yuck: it has scissored
its legs now, grinned,
and, nude as a lizard,
lizard-skinned,
swiveled its shorn
and genderless crotch
my way. Such porn
is hard to watch

but what can I do?
The nudist’s whole
gonzo revue
is out of control
inside my eyes.
What is it after?
Applause? A prize?
Uproarious laughter?

The saurian dancer
flashes green
green, green
in answer:
green, green,
green
.


. . . . .


(2nd Draft)

The Writher

Lither than ever, the freak in my slime
is doing a clever pantomime—
hand-jiving, rocking its hips and behind,
making and mocking the state of my mind.

Yuck: it has scissored its legs now, grinned,
and, nude as a lizard, lizard-skinned,
swiveled its shorn and genderless crotch
my way. Such porn is hard to watch

but what can I do? The nudist’s whole
gonzo revue is out of control
inside my eyes. What is it after?
Applause? A prize? Uproarious laughter?

The saurian dancer,
as if in answer,
flashes green,
I mean
green
.

. . . . .

Title was "Insomniac"
L8: "nudist's" for "writher's"
L13-14 were
The saurian dancer flashes in green
its endless answer: green.

. . . . .

(Original)

The Writher

Lither than ever, the freak in my slime
is doing a clever pantomime—
hand-jiving, rocking its hips and behind,
making and mocking the state of my mind.

Look: it has scissored its legs now, grinned,
and, nude as a lizard, lizard-skinned,
swiveled its shorn and genderless crotch
my way. Such porn is hard to watch

but what can I say? The wretch—Hell, my whole
zoo cabaret—is out of control.
Causes? Effects? Insanity's answer
is sexless sex with a saurian dancer.

. . . . .

Stanza 1 was:
Lither than ever, the freak in my slime
is doing a clever pantomime
this evening—shaking its hips and behind,
mocking while making the state of my mind.

Stanza 2, Line 2: "nude" for "bald"

Final stanza was:
but what can I do? The wretch—Hell, the whole
gonzo revue—is out of control.
Causes? Effects? This evening's answer
is sexless sex with a saurian dancer.

Final couplet was:
What cause? What effects? My only answer
is sexless sex and a saurian dancer.

and

Causes? Effects? What's the answer?
The sexless sex of a saurian dancer.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-21-2018 at 02:48 PM.
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Old 07-16-2018, 01:49 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
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Aaron, I am fainting in coils.
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Old 07-16-2018, 04:51 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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And I am drawling and stretching...

Cheers,
John
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Old 07-16-2018, 04:55 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Thank you, Ann. That's the effect--the cause?--I'd hope the poem would have. Let's see what happens with it.

Best,

Aaron

P.S. Sorry we sent Trump to your fair island.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:17 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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John, I cross-posted with you. Thank you. Did you enjoy the poem?
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:23 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

Yes, drawling and stretching suggest a languidity which the poem does not inspire in me. They are misleading here. I thought it was lively and remarkable - very alive. Not a world I inhabit in my 50s, thank goodness; it reminds me a bit of the X-Files, and would I think work well on TV.

Cheers,
John
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Old 07-16-2018, 06:19 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

The sound of this, the anapaests and the double rhyme per line, make it good fun. What's going on? Hmm...Is it about the so-called 'lizard brain', that most primitive part of the brain that wants only to fight, flee, feed or fuck?
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Old 07-16-2018, 06:32 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Aaron,

This is nicely done and vividly drawn. I see the N unsettled, experiencing a state of anxiety, self-doubt, restlessness or some combination thereof. I take it this is attributable to the "reptile brain" (saurian - bald as lizard). I like that it's described as porn: as an inner show, it arouses and titillates and it's hard to drag ourselves away from it.

S1L4 I read as "mocking my state of mind at the same time as creating it", but had to read it twice. I think because "mocking" can be used without an object, so I could read the original as "mocking (me or in general) while making the state of my mind" rather than "mocking the state of my mind while simultaneously making it". Assuming I read it right, it might be clearer as

making and mocking the state of my mind.

which makes it clear that that mocking has an object.

At the risk of being overly literal, mocking seems a bit more neo-cortex than reptilian. Still, the mocking can be in the eye of the observing N.

In S1, I wonder if there's a way to avoid trailing "this evening" onto the next line, and getting something more end-stopped. What about:

Lither than ever, the freak in my slime
is doing a clever pantomime.
This evening, shaking its hips and behind,
it makes and it mocks the state of my mind.

OK, that may not be great. Alternatively, do you need "this evening"? If you kept L1&2 as above, "is doing" very much has it happening "now", and you'd have a foot or so to play with.

To avoid (and you may not want to) the repetition of "lizard" in S2L2, you might consider the nicely assonant "chicken-skinned" -- though perhaps the association of chicken with cowardice speaks against this.

I'm not clear how S4L4 provides the answer to anything. It reads more like a re-description of that which needs explaining. That's not a big nit, and I do like the line. I guess it could be "How to answer / the sexless sexless sex of a saurian dancer?"

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 07-16-2018 at 06:35 AM.
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Old 07-16-2018, 08:24 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Hello, all. I have revised the first stanza at Matt’s suggestion. Here are two possible revisions to the final couple (I list the current couplet first):

Causes? Effects? What's the answer?
The sexless sex of a saurian dancer.

What cause? What effects? My only answer
is sexless sex and a saurian dancer.

What cause? What effects? My saurian dancer’s
sexless sex answers, answers.

Which do we prefer?

[I prefer the middle one and will go with that for now.]

John, Oh, X-files is a good association. Thank you. Weird, haunting—that’s what I want.

Mark, I am glad the music got you. As for the meaning, I hope it is in the dance that is poem and the poem that is the dance.

Matt, I have revised the opening stanza according to your specifications. Thank you for your comments. I have also, above, proposed possible revisions for the final lines.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-16-2018 at 08:44 AM.
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Old 07-16-2018, 08:47 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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I cannot tell the dancer from the dance!

John
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