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Old 07-31-2018, 12:37 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Default Jukebox

Out of the cornucopia, the pantheon,
the pantechnicon of the possible,
at this end of the sodden night
in the rapidly shrinking hours,
does it all come down to this: yes,
it seems I can find nothing better
than Acker bleeding Bilk,
and Stranger on the Shore.
Again. Two more please, Kell.
Ah. That hits the spot.
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Old 07-31-2018, 02:07 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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David,

I'm not sure you're finished with this one. I find little to critique but it feels like a piece. I'm not crazy about L2 and that it can be cut with little change to the poem is telling. Not sure why the hours are shrinking. Sounds more as though his head is shrinking from alcohol.

That's all I have. Mainly, I don't think it's finished. It feels like is part of something else. I do like this, fwiw.

John
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Old 07-31-2018, 08:27 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
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Hi David,

I’m in agreement with what John said above. I’d also like to add that the note of deadened, complacent resignation the poem ends on leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A more positive resolution would be nice—but really, for your narrator to have a livelier reaction of any sort, something with a little drama in it, would be a big improvement. I could also picture this as multiple stanzas describing in loving detail the possibilities on offer, but each one ending with Stranger on the Shore and two more, Kell, etc. A different kind of drama.

(And thank you, by the way, for introducing me to an interesting new word, “pantechnicon.”)
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Old 08-01-2018, 12:30 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Hi John. You're sort of right, in a way. This was a response to a 10 minute speed poetry challenge with the prompt "Jukebox". As it is, it's true to the moment I have in mind. Not everyone is a fan of such moments, of course. I rather like them - but not too often.

AS, see above, basically! I will not be making this any longer than it already is. And you're welcome for pantechnicon. Use it wisely.

Cheers both

David
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Old 08-02-2018, 11:49 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is online now
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David: "And you're welcome for pantechnicon. Use it wisely."

Yes, contents may shift in translation.


Acker bleeding Bilk,
and Stranger on the Shore.


That's quite the jukebox -- are you in a time machine?

It's a wonderfully concise example of poetry being anywhere and everywhere -- Even in the waning hours of a rainy Monday night in a sleepy pub with a chrome-platted dinosaur in the form of a clarinet that plays on heartstrings.

Nice ten minutes of work, David.
x
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Old 08-02-2018, 02:48 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Jim.

Even in the waning hours of a rainy Monday night in a sleepy pub with a chrome-platted dinosaur in the form of a clarinet that plays on heartstrings.

That's nice work yourself. Beautifully evocative.

Cheers

David
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Old 08-02-2018, 02:56 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is online now
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Jesus Jim, David's right. I've said it before, that your prose is your poetry, but that when you write your actual poetry something (for me) makes you try too hard. Maybe? But look at this!

Even in the waning hours
of a rainy Monday night
in a sleepy pub
with a chrome-platted dinosaur
in the form of a clarinet
that plays on heartstrings


etc

Now finish it off!

(David, sorry for hijacking your poem. I like it, of course!)
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Old 08-02-2018, 03:08 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi David,

I think this is a fine ten minutes work. It sets a mood very nicely. Not sure you need the last two lines...

Cheers,
John
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Old 08-02-2018, 06:19 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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It seems quite finished to me, David.
Such moments are no more than fragments if one allows them to be, as you have done here.
And I love how the density of the opening lines (which hymn the state of distraction) gives way to the sparsely natural fragmentation of the close.

I think you might want a comma after L3, to keep the swelling feeling of a list.

It's a nifty little poem.

Nemo

Last edited by R. Nemo Hill; 08-02-2018 at 06:52 PM.
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Old 08-03-2018, 05:59 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi David, I'm all for writing a poem in 10 minutes. So many of your allusions fly over my head, though (like this: than Acker bleeding Bilk, / and Stranger on the Shore), I know I must be missing most of the poem.
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