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Old 08-04-2018, 06:52 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Default Talking Trey Down

Talking Trey Down

I.
Be lucid a littlexxxxx and listen: Yes,
you’re young but Yikes, man—xxxxxyou’ve been dropping
X for a week now.xxxxx You won’t stop whooping.
I’ve gotten usedxxxxx to the glowsticks, I guess,
but here’s the sitch:xxxxx though Smileys and such
are pills for parties,xxxxx you’re presently tweaking
alone on my lawn—xxxxxa longhair talking
of joy like Jesus.xxxxx It’s just too much.

II.
Trust me, to rage a week the way a hive’s
vibe lives, by bombination, or like barm
subliming sugar into lager, drives
the human mind mad as a five-alarm
disaster. Buddy, there must be those slow
hours when the barn bats only hang and breathe;
there must be corners where the cobwebs grow.
There must be intervals that soothe the seethe.

III.
Hush now. No cops are whooping, and the evening rush
is home unwinding. Pray yourself your mind to keep.

Hush now. Because the sun will rise tomorrow, hush.
Tired little guy, it’s time for you to sleep.

. . . . .

Title was: "The Talk Down"

Section I. was
I.
Listen up, lunaticxxxxxlittle clubber:
you’re young but Yikes, man—xxxxx you’ve been dropping
X for a week now.xxxxx You won’t stop whooping
and running around.xxxxx Your roadster’s rubber
has squealed itself bald.xxxxx Though Smileys and such
are party pills,xxxxx you’re presently tweaking
alone on my lawn—xxxxx a longhair talking
of joy like Jesus.xxxxx It’s just too much.

S2L1: "rage" for "live"
S2L3: "subliming sugar into larger" for "bubbling upward in a barrel"
S2L4-5:"five-alarm tragedy" for "five-alarm/firestorm" for "four-alarm inferno"
S2L5: "eruption" for "explosion" for "inferno" for "disaster"

S3L2 "and there's no need for counting sheep" for "so pray the Lord your soul to keep".
S3L4: "it's time, it's time" for "it's time for you"

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 08-09-2018 at 09:48 AM.
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Old 08-04-2018, 07:32 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I guess basically I like this. You have I think some drugs in here I've not heard of, so bits slide by me, and on the other hand i did enjoy finding the word bombination in a poem. The brilliancy and fireworks distract me a bit from the narrative itself, but maybe that can't be helped. I'll just have to reread a few times.

Cheers,
John
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Old 08-04-2018, 07:58 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Hello, John. The only drug is Ecstasy (X and a variant Smiley). Yes, I do hope bits of the context for this speech become clear as the poem progresses.
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Old 08-04-2018, 10:14 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

Thanks for that info. I love the title. I think Part I is my favorite at present. In Part II, you have barm (great word) and barn within a couple of lines, and "four-alarm disaster", which I think has to be fire. Details I might tinker with. And the ending, where you need a lot of stillness, I think, after what's come before, has room to be stiller. I don't think borrowing "so pray the Lord your soul to keep" quite works, and repeating hush won't to my mind make it happen.
That's me being as critical as possible, after rereading a couple of times. Rereading helps it fall into place, but as the narrative emerges more clearly, i get more sense of what III needs to do, and I feel you have room to make it tighter or stiller. I do think you have a splendid canvas here, with some great stuff happening already. This makes me dream of what can be.

Cheers,
John
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Old 08-04-2018, 10:48 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Oh no, John. I revised the stuff you liked. I simplified the title and revised Section to clarify the context and get rid of "roadster's rubber" which was out of place and felt forced for "clubber."

I have, at your suggestion, revised "disaster" to "inferno." I think I like the sonic similarity of "barm" and "barn."
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Old 08-04-2018, 10:52 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Hi Aaron,

This is what the Urban Dictionary says about clubbers:

Quote:
A clubber is one who dances or raves, also known as a raver, parties to techno, electronic, electronica, or the like. However, there are different types of clubs. There are goth clubs, rock clubs, underground clubs, etc. Clubbers usually dress either distinctly (bright colors, strange clothes, much like a raver, or skimpy, short skirts, tight clothing. Again, wardrobe depends on the type of club you attend.
A clubber also visits many clubs, or goes club hopping, hence the phrase clubber. Clubbers are usually not made fun of, and have their own community, and are quiet to other groups of people. They sometimes have spontaneous attitudes, and when made friends with, can be fun to party and hang out with.
"Where was John all weekend?"
"He's a clubber, where do you think he's been?"
I really like the construction of the poem. The whole thing is a monologue addressed to a suffering person.

Part 1) accentual meter with full and slant rhymes (ABBA x2) (not easy to do!)
Part 2) iambic pentameter with full rhymes (ABAB x2)
Part 3) a hexameter quatrain (divided in half) rhyming ABAB

The alliteration in all the parts is wonderful.

In Part 1, the boy is tweaking out (getting agitated or excited) on the N’s lawn alone. I’m not sure why he is on the lawn, but maybe because the N has invited him and is trying to talk him out of using drugs.

In Part 2, I like the comparison between a beehive bombinating and the way Trey is living (going nuts). Also barm (the froth on fermenting malt liquor) is an interesting word and has a great alliteration with bombination, bubbling and barrel. Another simile I like is being mad as a four-alarm disaster.

Then there are more “b” sounds with Buddy and barn bats. Then you have a much calmer mood with the bats hanging and breathing. And corners of cobwebs, growing. Where cobwebs can grow is a place that is, by nature, undisturbed. I also like “soothe the seethe.”

Besides alliteration (including some I haven’t mentioned), there is also a good deal of assonance throughout. All those sonic effects make reading this poem much more entertaining than would be the case otherwise.

The last part is like a lullaby. The drug has apparently worn off. The guy called Trey has finally calmed down and is exhausted, so the N says soothing things to keep him that way and to enhance his calmness, as well as try to reassure him that the sun will rise again tomorrow. I think that’s sweet. The N talks as if this young man (a teenager I assume) were a little boy who needs someone to put his mind at ease.

There is one phrase that seems to indicate the N is religious (pray the Lord your soul to keep). I suppose I could go along with that.

I wonder if the hexameter lines (which I usually read as 2 trimeters) would look better like this:

Hush now. No cops are whooping,
and the evening rush
has rushed on by, so pray
the Lord your soul to keep.

Hush now. Because the sun
will rise tomorrow, hush.
Tired little guy,
it’s time for you to sleep.

Just a thought.

This poem is technically masterful, as well as rather touching. It sounds like the poet may have had some actual experience talking to drug users. Am I right? At least that’s the sense I get.

Incidentally, the war on drugs has never worked and never will. The cure for the problem is to cure the illness. Good therapy is what is needed.

Martin
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Old 08-04-2018, 11:19 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Martin, for your your thorough reading. You got my intentions on every score.

I am considering revising Section II to

Trust me, to live a week the way a hive’s
vibe lives, by bombination, or like yeast
subliming sugar into moonshine, drives
a human man as crazy as a beast
with rabies.

or

Trust me, to live a week the way a hive’s
vibe lives, by bombination, or like barm
subliming sugar into larger, drives
a human man mad as a four-alarm
inferno.

. . . . .

I am considering your proposal for Section III. I am a guy who likes some sort of rhyme at the end of every line, but we'll see what others think.
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Old 08-04-2018, 11:47 PM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Hi Aaron,

This one is a lot of fun. I'm not sure if there's a deeper meaning behind using the three different measures you do (which recall Anglo-Saxon, modern English, and French / maybe classical if you allow stresses instead of long-short vowels) but they act as interesting foils to one another.

Of your two proposals for section II, I prefer one with "barm," not only because it's a wonderful word in and of itself, but because of the sound and appropriateness of "four alarm." You do have a typo of "larger" for "lager," though.

Not knowing club culture, I had to google its relation to glow sticks. It's an authentic detail that adds a lot, I think.

I notice the last line is pentameter. I'll suggest "it's past the time for you to sleep" if you want to keep the hexameters going.

Much enjoyed, as always.
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:12 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, Edward. I have fixed the embarrassing typo. I want the lengthening of the lines from section to section to have a soothing effect, so that there is a fusion of sound and sense.

I am looking at revising the third section. I intend "tired" to be two syllables, so that the line reads as a headless hex. Tennyson plays with syllabic ambiguity of "tired" in "The Lotus-Eaters". I recall that somewhere he wrote that he wanted "tired" to be a "dreamy combination" of monosyllable and disyllable.
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:19 AM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edward Zuk View Post
I notice the last line is pentameter. I'll suggest "it's past the time for you to sleep" if you want to keep the hexameters going.
I think Aaron is pronouncing "tired" with two syllables: ty-urd.
Aaron, I like "subliming sugar into lager drives / the human mind mad as a four-alarm / inferno."

I'm too sleepy now to look carefully at Part 1. I'll be back ...
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