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  #11  
Old 08-05-2018, 02:50 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Yup, great revisions throughout IMO except that I still love "Talking Trey Down." I like the random specificity of the name, it makes it feel lived. Does Yikes need an initial cap?
I think this is just about done already!

Cheers,
John
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  #12  
Old 08-05-2018, 11:30 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you very much, John. I will go back to the original title. It is better for the reason you state.

Thanks, thanks,

Aaron
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  #13  
Old 08-05-2018, 12:09 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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My pleasure, Aaron! I like this a good deal.

Cheers,
John
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  #14  
Old 08-05-2018, 12:44 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
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Aaron, I think “and there’s no need for counting sheep” is perfect.
It implies that Trey was all wound up before, but now he is tired and has no need of any sleeping aids.

I also like “Be lucid a little.” I’m not completely sure what “glowsticks” suggests, except for maybe some kind of light source so Trey could stay awake in the dark?

I love the rhyme of “sitch” and “such.” Great use of sound.

Although the boy would normally be partying it up at some party, he is alone with his drugs on the N’s lawn. That’s a rather doleful image, which eventually (in the last stanza) gets more cheerful.

I also like the tweaks you made in Part 2. I especially like the echo of “barm” with “barn bats.”

I’d say this poem is about perfect now. It’s a lot of fun to read.

Best,
Martin
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  #15  
Old 08-05-2018, 12:54 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you very much, Martin. The ravers, the clubbers, the "party-people," if you will, often dance in a dark club while waving glowsticks. On Ecstasy, one's eyes dilate and take in more light, and the glowsticks provide a very pleasant visual stimulation.
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  #16  
Old 08-06-2018, 11:36 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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I wasn't happy with "four-alarm inferno" in section 2, so I too it up a notch. I have revised that sentence from

Trust me, to rage a week the way a hive’s
vibe lives, by bombination, or like barm
subliming sugar into lager, drives
the human mind mad as a four-alarm
inferno.

to

Trust me, to rage a week the way a hive’s
vibe lives, by bombination, or like barm
subliming sugar into lager, drives
the human mind mad as a five-alarm
firestorm.
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  #17  
Old 08-06-2018, 11:53 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Aaron,

I'm not sure about firestorm, but it feels right to switch up four-alarm, which is too anchored to a set phrase IMO.

Cheers,
John
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  #18  
Old 08-06-2018, 12:03 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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Thank you, John. I'm still thinking about it. We have had "firestorms" in California this summer--fires large enough to create their own weather conditions I think that an apt metaphor for the drug-addled mind.
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  #19  
Old 08-06-2018, 12:30 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
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I think the problem after "five-alarm" is using a word for a conflagration--that's what's expected. I am going to revise to "tragedy". I think that's best:

five-alarm inferno

five-alarm firestorm

five-alarm tragedy
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  #20  
Old 08-06-2018, 12:49 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Yup, that could be the way forward. :-)

Cheers,
John
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