Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 08-06-2018, 01:33 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Thanks, John. Yes, I think "tragedy" is right.

I'm going to revise the last line to "it's time, it's time to sleep." The repetition has a hypnotic quality I like.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 08-07-2018, 12:55 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 4,243
Default

I'm sorry to say goodbye to "and pray the Lord your soul to keep". It took me back to Jesus on the lawn and had the feeling of a wise adviser leaning over the talked-down kid, reminding him of his relative kid-ness.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 08-07-2018, 01:21 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

Hmm. I do love that old, old prayer: "If I die before I wake..." But to me, the tone seemed jarring here, perhaps unfoundedly.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 08-07-2018, 04:59 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Hello, Ann and John.

Ann, I agree. I miss the prayer. The problem, as I and others saw it, is that the speaker suddenly comes off as very religious. I've decided to put the prayer but to change the words of it:

Hush now. No cops are whooping, and the evening rush
has rushed on by, so pray yourself your mind to keep.

Hush now. Because the sun will rise tomorrow, hush.
Tired little guy, it’s time for you to sleep.

. . . . .

So far I prefer "five-alarm explosion" over the other possibilities.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 08-07-2018 at 05:09 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 08-07-2018, 05:13 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 4,243
Default

I like that. It's doing the same sort of thing as the actual prayer, but acknowledging the different demons that now threaten his (more adult) safety. It still keeps the relationship between speaker and spoken-to.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 08-07-2018, 05:20 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

Hi Aaron,

It all seems to be falling into place.
Some thoughts:

"so pray yourself your mind to keep" is a powerful phrase, but to me quite menacing, what with "pray yourself" and the threat of insanity's onset I see at the close. The original prayer has a different tone than this.

You've got whooping twice...

How about "five-alarm / fire"? It would be a very big fire, and you've broken up the original cliche while still echoing it cleanly. I think all the changing terms on readers might just draw attention to itself.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 08-07-2018, 05:24 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Thank you, John.

I'll sleep on the new phrasing. I like "pray yourself your mind to keep" because it gets the prayer in there without being Christian and because it conveys the real threat that Trey has lost his mind.

Yes, I wanted to bring the "whooping" back around--druggies are often paranoid that the cops are coming.

"Fire" after any-alarm would be too much what's expected, as I see it. Hmn.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 08-07-2018, 05:28 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

Hi Aaron,

Sleep sounds good.

Yes, I think your new phrase has real threat.
By all means repeat whooping! Just noting that detail.
Maybe explosion is the way to go. I'm just not 100% sold yet. It hasn't given me that satisfying click.

I do think this is lovely.

Cheers,
John
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 08-08-2018, 01:35 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,791
Default

Thank you, John--"eruption"!--"five-alarm eruption" works on both the literal and pyshic levels.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 08-08-2018, 01:51 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,184
Default

I like it!

John
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,908
Total Threads: 19,302
Total Posts: 249,113
There are 227 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online