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Old 08-17-2018, 11:32 AM
Aaron Novick's Avatar
Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 1,264

My suggestion of "eases" was moronic and ungrammatical and I don't know how I was reading the poem to think it was a good idea. Wrongly, somehow.

I think you've nailed it as is. Switching the bear and toddler is the right move; leaving everything else how you had it in the original (minus "first") is also the right move.
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Old 08-19-2018, 07:29 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
Join Date: May 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,139

Hi Andrew,

There's nothing I would change right now. I really like it. At the risk of ruining it, I wonder if it could be longer though? I feel like it could sustain a few more images of the shifting cloud shapes to really hypnotise the reader before pulling them back to the 'blackberry eye'.
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