Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-08-2018, 09:05 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,985

Jim, I think children walk and hold things in different ways. That is the problem with the metaphor.

James, I'll look into altering those images. I think I will use New Bird as the title

Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2018, 09:07 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,985


I changed "will" to "may." Does that help with the child image?
Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2018, 11:05 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,737

It does, though it weakens the metaphor.
A further glitch is that the manner in which a child would hold the egg would be in cupped hands, not held... and wouldn't the child typically be holding the egg in such a way as to not drop/break it vs. to wait for its hatching?
I grew up being told that to touch a bird's egg was taboo -- the kiss of death for the baby bird inside the shell. As the urban legend goes, the mother bird would be able to smell/detect that it had been touched by humans and immediately destroy it. The only time we would be allowed to touch one would be if we were to find one on the ground. Even then we were told to quickly put it beneath the nearest tree and let the mother bird find it there.
Anyway, I think the hands metaphor is flawed, though others haven't picked up on what I see, so maybe it's me.

Still think you need to smooth out the first lines. Maybe something like this:

I came here from outside
where I strolled
with one hand in the other

This would also help bring it closer to the child's hands image, I think.

I take back my original thought that perhaps you should lose the opening line. There is a solitude that the inside -- both the physical inside and the mental inside - brings to the poem.
Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right

Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,942
Total Threads: 19,699
Total Posts: 254,559
There are 150 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right

Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online