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  #11  
Old 09-08-2018, 09:05 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Jim, I think children walk and hold things in different ways. That is the problem with the metaphor.

James, I'll look into altering those images. I think I will use New Bird as the title

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  #12  
Old 09-08-2018, 09:07 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Jim,

I changed "will" to "may." Does that help with the child image?
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2018, 11:05 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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It does, though it weakens the metaphor.
A further glitch is that the manner in which a child would hold the egg would be in cupped hands, not held... and wouldn't the child typically be holding the egg in such a way as to not drop/break it vs. to wait for its hatching?
I grew up being told that to touch a bird's egg was taboo -- the kiss of death for the baby bird inside the shell. As the urban legend goes, the mother bird would be able to smell/detect that it had been touched by humans and immediately destroy it. The only time we would be allowed to touch one would be if we were to find one on the ground. Even then we were told to quickly put it beneath the nearest tree and let the mother bird find it there.
Anyway, I think the hands metaphor is flawed, though others haven't picked up on what I see, so maybe it's me.

Still think you need to smooth out the first lines. Maybe something like this:

I came here from outside
where I strolled
with one hand in the other

This would also help bring it closer to the child's hands image, I think.

I take back my original thought that perhaps you should lose the opening line. There is a solitude that the inside -- both the physical inside and the mental inside - brings to the poem.
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