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Old 09-07-2018, 06:54 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,548

A few more edits up, including changing the title to “Estranged” and a couple other words.

Jim and Annie, I hope the title hits the spot better now. Annie, I want the title to be all in English, to reflect the subject, but in Italian I’d probably put Crepacuore, literally “Heart-crack.”

Susan, glad you like the changes.

Mary, if you have a second could you tell me what bugs you about “You still have your hooks in me” and “natural good looks”? I’m not feeling the problem. They’re ordinary bordering on cliché, but for me they make the poem more simpatico, and they help set up the theme of breaking up or estrangement.

I didn’t like “benign womb” either but I think the change of adjective might work. “Benign” sounded good with “milk” for some reason, but not with “womb.” I do like “our troubles loom” both for sound and sense

[Editing back b/c I decided to revert to "benign milk" and skip the rhyme with "loom." It's far away anyway.]

Also, thanks for showing what the poem looks like without what you felt was filler. I spent about an hour sitting with it, and for me those phrases still add to the poem beyond meter and rhyme. The “continental drift” is distinct from the “flood,” but I changed the prepositions to make that distinction clearer.

Last edited by Andrew Frisardi; 09-07-2018 at 02:03 PM.
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