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  #11  
Old 09-09-2018, 10:43 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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James, it takes a closer read than I gave it to recognize the funereal reality and mood of this -- Thanks to Martin and Jan for pointing it out.

Sometimes a critter's (my) crits reflect a failure of the critter to see what is plainly there, like the nose on his face : )
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  #12  
Old 09-12-2018, 01:28 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Default Revision 3 Posted

Thanks much, Martin and Jan. I was thinking the kids right after the funeral, but I'm very pleased that you picked up on that. And glad you liked it, Jan. Hope the revision isn't a step backward.

No no, Jim, you weren't the only one having difficulty. Thanks for taking another look. Hopefully the revision is better/clearer.
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Old 09-12-2018, 03:38 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Excellent revision, I think, James.

Cheers

David
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  #14  
Old 09-14-2018, 10:48 AM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Thank you, David. I might get rid of "Joe" and find another name. The sound is a bit much there. I'm also considering replacing "death" with just "stalks." Conceptually death works for me, but it might in the end be too grand.

Last edited by James Brancheau; 09-14-2018 at 11:30 AM.
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  #15  
Old 09-14-2018, 05:58 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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James,
The imagery in the poem is very strong, but I'm not convinced that making the narrative muddy is needed. You might want to clarify if the three people outside the narrator, namely Joe, father, and the corpse, are one and the same or not. It would take just a word or two; if I understand your comment, after the funeral, the boys go out and attack Joe with corn stalks. Is Joe the buried corpse? Is he a bullied mentally challenged member of the community? Is the father in the last couplet the corpse? Is he Joe? Is he God? Are the boys being punished by their literal father for their behavior? Do you want this much ambiguity? Am I just a bad reader?

As I said, I think changing one or two words would be all it takes. One probably bad suggestion is to borrow Dylan Thomas's title and use "After the funeral", and put the "up to heaven" into the ending somehow when they are throwing the cornstalks at the clouds.
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Old 09-16-2018, 02:41 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Thanks for coming back, Martin. Yeah, I'm sometimes in this situation. I don't want to break up the scene with explaining, but at least a little explaining needs to be done. I would prefer to do this, as you suggested, with the title. So I'm trying out another one. Really appreciate the feedback.
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